This topic has been spoken and written about so much I’m hesitant to write about it myself simply because I’m no professional or expert.
I just have what I’d personally call a glimpse into the world of it. I only know what I know because I’ve experienced it. I only learned more about it by reading, observing and self-reflection. While reading and self-reflecting is rather obvious I’d like to further explain what I mean by observing.
I’ve observed because I’ve known or know people who have gone through depression. I’ve learned by reading their body language only because I’ve known them for years. I know how they act without a depression and with one.
My depression was never that severe. I had weekly sessions with a psychologist at one point by my own free will but while it was considered to possibly be necessarily I never had to be admitted to a psych ward. Not without my approval at least.
The reason I decided to write this now is honestly petty but without tearing down all the walls I’ve built up over the years all at once, which I’m not ready for just yet, this is my only way of viewing my own opinion on this topic.
Recently there was a case that brought depression and suicidal tendencies to light while I was around the one’s speaking about it. I kept quiet and listened instead of saying anything.
Having being diagnosed with it I’ve learned how to hide a lot of things.
Basically all emotions expect happiness, anger and frustration. I’ve learned to hide what I consider to be humans strongest ways of showing emotions, sadness.
Hearing someone I’ve known since I was a kid telling how they considered hirself good at recognizing someone being sick made me more sad than anything else for selfish reasons but also because while I never asked for help just having someone who knew without being told would have made this burden a lot easier.
With that being said, seeing the signs in someone you don’t know can be easier in some ways. There is no barriers that keeps you subconsciously thinking that the person don’t show signs of battling a depression before weeks or months later. It could be because you haven’t seen each other in person for some weeks or months or because the person is doing its best to hide the signs.
But, the signs of depression in someone you know should be noticed just a few days later if you spend a lot of time with that person. Sleep pattern, eating pattern, lack of emotions or showing too much of it, gets overwhelmed more easily, things that the person normally don’t get annoyed or frustrated about easily can push make hir angry and the list goes on.
Like I said, I’m no professional.
For around a year now I’ve considered seeking help, not for the depression, but to put some of the thoughts I have on my mind to rest. Having thought about changing my name on multiple occasions and just starting a new life in a new country because it’s easier, well, it’s tiresome. It’s painful and frustrating.
It shouldn’t be necessarily to hide who I am and how I feel because some people, a lot of people, will react badly to it. Hopefully not because they are unwilling to believe it or just generally being close minded but because I’ve never even mentioned it to them before. How could I with the comments I’ve heard them say or the way they react to such things? Ridiculing mental health issues, homophobic remarks and laughter will never be acceptable in my eyes. I could never make someone change their opinion or religion because I don’t think that way or believe in what they do but I can respect it. I can respect that we have different opinions, religion and to agree to disagree.
I have a bad habit of trusting people too fast with certain things and I’m working on changing that. I get that trust misused too much for it to be worth it.
What I won’t change is the amount of respect I show others. No matter how much I disagree with the person, how different our opinions and views are, whether or not I know the person or dislike the person for who knows what reasons that might be. I will always respect them as a person.
If a person is able to make me lose all trust and respect it’s for very specific reasons. Abuse, rape, cheating and pointless theft is so far the few things that have made me lose respect for someone and I can luckily count the amount of people on one hand. Those three is someone I will never be able to trust or respect again. Not the way I used to at least. I’ve cut contact with two of those so far and I don’t regret it for a second.
The third one is a little more complicated to cut contact with for various reasons.
I seem to have gotten a little sidetracked.
Some people seem to think being sick is something that goes away if you just decide for it to happen.
When did those people every get healthy after a day with flu by just ‘getting over it’? I doubt they’d say ‘I just didn’t try hard enough’.
Mental health is still taboo. Just getting enough sleep, a proper diet, smiling enough, trying and getting over it is not how it works.
I sometimes find myself wishing that those people get to experience how it feels like only to get treated the same way they treat others. I have a wish that maybe, just maybe, they would be able to realize that depression and anxiety is real. It’s a battle. A battle many people have lost.
Sometimes starting fresh is all I can think about at times.
New name, identity and new country.
I’m stuck with a name I want to change, a body I hate and people who would look at me like I’m insane if I told the truth.
What this community allows me to write about it the truth. It might be behind a different name than what I’ve been born with but it’s a name I’d choose in a second if I had the courage for it.