Like a Corpse Among the Living

In the beginning I always wanted to write things that was inspiring, motivating and positive. That’s honestly not realistic. I’d basically only be showing, telling to be more precise, about less than a percent of my life.
Yet, I do that every day. I stay as positive and optimistic as I possibly can around people. It’s exhausting and I’m still in a process of coming to terms with reality. No one expects me to smile and be happy all the time. No one expect anything from me but I’ve put up a facade for so so many years that it has become a habit, a routine. I wake up, feel drained, prepare myself mentally to go out the door and head off to work.
In other words, I’ve lied too many times for me to be able to count.
If I just told the truth my life could have been somewhat different. I can’t say if it would have been for the better or worse but at least I now wouldn’t feel like I have to slowly, painfully slow, be more honest or just allow myself to reach my limit and get burned out.

For these past months I’ve pushes my limits to the breaking point both physically and mentally. I’ve ignored my own health in favor for my job.
It’s my SO and co-workers that has to suffer for my faults and I feel terrible for letting it happen but I no longer have the mental strength to fight. I just walk around like a corpse. No purpose, no nothing.
All I feel is anger, frustration and like I’m falling apart. Difficult to smile when that’s the last thing you want to do.
My way of coping right now is thinking that tomorrow will get better. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be a new start.

I’m tired. Tired of pretending like I’m alright because I’m not. I’m barely hanging on but tomorrow will be a new day. I’ll have some of my energy recharged.

I still have a fight in me. I won’t be giving up anytime soon. I just might need some help to continue.

It’s time for me to methodically tear down the wall I’ve built up.
I can’t and won’t continue living like a shadow, a living corpse.

It’s time to slowly live the life I want on my terms.

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Going Back in Time

I could spend hours and even days and months on thinking.

Thinking about what I could have done different.
All the ‘What If’ questions.

Thinking about what I could have said differently.
All the regrets for ‘why’ and the wishes of ‘if I just said..’

Thinking about how my life could have been.
If I just had been honest.
If I just asked for help.
If I just didn’t hide.

If I just didn’t lock away parts of myself.
If I just didn’t fear it.

I just want a new name.
A life to call my own.

A chance to live without chains.

 

Withering Away

For these past x-amount of years I have known that I’ve allowed myself to wither.
At first I just did not have the strength, physically or mentally, to do something to prevent it. I had nothing that made me want to prevent it.
No motivation, no willpower and no inspiration to pull me out of the pitch black hole I was stuck in. I spent all my energy on hiding the fact that I was struggling to everyone. I was too stubborn and scared to ask for help or tell anyone in general that I was just sinking deeper and deeper. Drowning.
This led to many choices I regret now. Choices I am ashamed of and I wouldn’t do again if I had the chance to go back in time.

Now, many years later, I regret not asking for help, keeping quiet about it and trying to pretend like there was nothing wrong. There’s many quotes that says it’s never too late. While there is some truth to it there’s the part of breaking what have become an integrated pattern. A habit.

It took many years to realize what it was that made me feel different. I couldn’t quite explain or understand it but I knew it in some way or another. I didn’t and I still don’t feel comfortable in the norms society seem to expect every individual to follow.
Considering today’s society has come a long way since I was a kid I hope it’s easier for the younger generation to be themselves. There’s still a long way to go thanks to people who makes being open difficult by ridiculing everything and even if I can’t say for sure it feels like there are many ‘facts’ out in the world because of close-minded and hateful human beings. No one is perfect but I’ve always wished that a basic amount of respect is given at any time. Having different opinions, religion and culture doesn’t mean it’s impossible to respect someone. Accept that there are differences and respect each others views. It’s not a perfect system but it can work.

Feeling like you have to hide part of yourself or completely act like someone else is painful. It’s draining. It’s stressful. It’s.. Difficult to be open the longer you hide especially when you have depended on lies, fear and listening to people you thought you knew laugh at, make fun of and basically end it all with “It was just a joke”, “I just wanted to see how you reacted” and “There’s no reason to get angry”.

I’ve slowly pushed myself to be more open. To speak my mind regardless of the result even if it means I’ll be cut out of people’s lives. and to listen to my body and mind because I’m still withering.

My weight has always been low but after some years I finally was able to gain a few pounds. In less than a year I lost nearly 11 pounds. Other than eating more there has been no change in my diet and my sleeping pattern is as normal as it can be from shift work.

Working out on a daily basis is something I’m trying to get used to as well even though that plan failed once I got some time off from work. I’ve honestly spent more time on sleeping, eating and watching movies. I fear going back to work will mess up that plan even more since I’ll be working 10 days in a row.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with all of this but having one positive thing to look forward to every day is something I’ve realized is needed for me personally.
I tried to look forward to when I was done at work but that’s not really positive at all. If you constantly count down the hours until your day at work is over there is something wrong. There will be days where you can’t wait to get home for one reason or another but wanting to get home just because you don’t want to stay at work anymore shouldn’t be a reason.

Wanting to get home to spend time with your SO, pets, family, the list is endless, is always a good reason.
I might be socially awkward but I’d personally want a reason to look forward to a day off where  I could do something I want by myself but an apartment don’t clean itself, the pets can’t feed themselves and once all of that is done I have little time for hobbies. I don’t even have kids and I struggle to find time for stuff that needs to get done. Not to mention money..

I’m not sure how much I can handle but what I do know is that my mental state is close to get ripped to pieces. Maybe that’s a good thing.
Different day, same sh*t. It feels like I push a Repeat Button every night because I can’t remember anything new happening for several years. I can’t even remember what I did two days ago most of the time.

Mountain hiking, traveling to new places, meeting new people or people you’ve wanted to meet, trying something new, acquiring new skills and feeling like you’ve done something worth remembering or looking forward to is things I consider positive things. I’ve only done two of those for these past 4 years.

Something needs to change but it can’t happen before I start dealing with the underlying issues. Depression and identity issues is just the obvious causes.

Not really sure what more I can write because the reason for why I began writing this got lost 800 words ago.

Don’t ignore or suppress parts of yourself. It’s never worth it. Reach out and ask for help if needed.

~Kes.

 

Finding Happiness in the Small Moments.

Happiness is a weird thing because it never seem to last.
That’s the thing about happiness, right?
It’s not supposed to last. We need our days where it’s not present.
Not because we want to but because it’s a part of our life.
There will always be losses, some more unfair than others, but we’re not made to live forever. As saddening and painful as it is death is still a part of being able to live.
There will be days where the happiness feels so far out of reach regardless of reason because the reasons is endless and a chapter for itself.
There will be days where happiness, sadness and anger seems to be changing every minute.
And there will be days where you feel happy constantly even though you know it won’t stay this way and this is where I personally struggle.

I can’t fully accept feeling happy because I know it can change in a matter of seconds.
Why bother allowing myself to feel happy when I know it will cause me to fall if I do?
I have my days or even week where I feel happy, positive, productive like never before and my motivation and view on the future makes me believe it’s possible to actually do the things I want, that failure is always an option and that it’s OK to actually feel confident in myself.
The realization that I can’t because everything costs ridiculous amounts of money, time and energy I don’t have comes crashing. I fall and can’t get up for days, weeks or months.

I’m basically terrified of feeling happy
No, I’m terrified of feeling anything other than neutral. Yeah, that sounds a little more correct.

I’m not an easy person to be around, to live with or one to show affection to for the lack of a better word and for that reason I often feel emotionally inept.
While I do have empathy and sympathy and understand the basic human emotions such as happiness, sadness, anger and fear I personally don’t know how to react to some of them.
Happiness, anger and fear is impossible not to feel in the right situations.
I smile and laugh a lot more than what some might think.
I get annoyed easily but angry is not something I can say I get often because I bottle it up until I can’t take it anymore. Not a good way of dealing with anger. It can often lead to a wish for having handled said situation differently.
Fear is one thing I’m not sure how to explain because it feels rather.. Obvious.
Sadness is where I get a little hypocritical.
There is nothing wrong with feeling sad and telling someone about it.
Crying or asking for help is not a weakness. It actually shows strength.

Yet, I’m unable to do that myself.
I can no longer remember the reason because it honestly don’t matter anymore but as a kid I was told to leave the room or stop crying around the person who told me that. I did.
I gradually shut down more and more until all I was able to show was anger.
I stopped telling people in general things. I lied. It was easier at the time.
I spiraled down in a depression and I never really physically told anyone about it. Even now, years later, no one really knows. I did seek professional help once but it only made me feel worse. No professional should ever utter the words “You do realize there is people feeling worse than you?”. It wasn’t worth my money after that.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to react to my own sadness. The last time I broke down in tears in front of a person I ended up hyperventilating and puking. That was years ago.
Now I just bottle it all up and wait until I know there’s no one around. Easier said than done.

I just know it’s time I need to work on these things. A change needs to be made.

I need to allow myself to feel happy and accept that it’s about the small moments.
I can’t do that without acknowledging that it won’t happen easily if I can’t allow myself to feel anything else.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this anymore.

I guess it’s a way of admitting that the facade I’ve kept for all these years is about to fall apart. I don’t have the energy to keep it up anymore. A fake smile won’t last forever.

I feared I’d erase all of this if I stopped writing to avoid openly admitting it.
Maybe I will eventually

Feeling happy yet unhappy at the same time can get a little confusing.
Is this what I want with me life? Do I deserve it?
Maybe a fresh start would change something? Maybe I’d be able to be myself without hiding parts of me?

 

 

Identity & the Comfort of Knowing

There’s 7.5 billion people living in this world. We might have the same opinions, the same eye color, hair color, hobbies and job but in the end we’re all individuals.  We all feel, think and react differently.

For me personally not knowing or not having a way to describe and explain things is one of the best ways of slowly tormenting myself. It’s not a life or death situation but until I find the best term, word or way of explaining or/and describing said thing I’m unable to stop thinking about it and eventually it cause me unnecessary stress and a constant state of feeling uncomfortable.

Not caring about the name, or label if you like, when it who I like and feel attracted to is one thing. I don’t need a name for that and that might have something to do with the fact that I already know there is a term for it. I know because I spent years finding a word I could use that I felt comfortable with using and once I did it didn’t matter. I like people based on the persons personality, their smile and eyes.
I’m not going to lie, certain features attracts me more than others but in the end it’s the personality that matters in my eyes. That’s just my personal opinion.

When it comes to my body I feel lost. I feel confused and I feel defeated.

My height and weight is one thing that does not make that easier.
The height is not something I can’t do much with, not that’s worth the pain and time it will take at least but my weight is something I’m working on changing.
I’m currently 19 lbs away from my weight goal and most of those pounds will be gained by building muscles. This will not only hopefully help my body hurt less but also make me feel more comfortable in general.

My voice is also something I can’t do much about yet. I’ve always wanted to have it changed just not with medications. Like in the past all I can do know is to work on accepting it day by day.

There’s a few other things I’ve written about that can be found by clicking this link Gender Identity: Personal View
In short, changes that costs quite a bit and most of them might never happen.
What I can do is having my name changed and have some of my insides put out of use.

Now for the part of my personal torment and agony.
How can I explain to someone something I’ve felt for years? Something I’ve kept hidden and silent about?
How can explain when I don’t have the proper word for how uncomfortable I feel in my own body?
I don’t feel fully uncomfortable in my own body. My voice and my height seems to automatically make people feel comfortable throwing words and statements in my face. The one bothering me the most must me “Oh, you can’t lift that heavy. Remember you’re going to have a kid one day”. I wasn’t able to give a comment on so instead I just started doing exactly what I was told not to do to prove I’m perfectly capable of carrying heavy objects. It sure messed up my back though. The upper part is something I can hide without all too much effort and with the few options I have.

I want to change my name, get a new passport. A new start I guess.
But how?
I can have it changed rather fast if I just want but there will be questions that I can’t answer because I lack a way of explaining an describing it all.
I feel no need for medications and most operations other than the things mentioned already.
I’ve tried to make myself believe that saying “This is just me” or “I’m just me” is enough but my mind always ends up trying to find a proper word and a way of explaining.

I don’t feel like I can’t be myself unless I have a way of explaining it.
I don’t want to constantly feel confused, like I can’t fully be myself or that I need to hide.

This is not much information but for anyone reading this and maybe feel the same or have felt the same I’d appreciate any feedback. This shouldn’t need to be an issue in today’s society.
This is just my little obsession. I can’t stop thinking about things once I first have made the decision to get an answer.

I’m the person that spends almost a year trying to find a song I suddenly thought about from years back but couldn’t even remember the lyrics or the melody for it. I only remembered the cover of the CD. No band name. I found it though.

~Kes

Chained, broken and unloved

I have no place to call home

Just broken dreams

And a disturbed reality

 

I feel dead inside

My smile and laughter

It’s paid for and fake

 

Without this or that

In my current life

It might be fear

Panic and disbelief

I’m tired of pretending

The act and the ignorance

 

I’d blame the time-zone

But it’s the people I can’t stand

I want to run

Disappear and start again

 

These lies are falling apart

I’m running out of excuses

Or the obvious bullshit

That I’m forced to maintain

 

This is not who I am

 

 

 

 

 

 

Same Sh*t, Different Day.

Where do I start?

What do I write?

It’s been such a long month.

Physically I’m a mess.

Mentally I’m withering away.

I’m exhausted.

The normal excuses don’t work.

Who’d believe a walking corpse?

I fought. I crawled.

This is not what I wanted.

This is not what I planned.

The smiles are fake.

The society is at blame.

“How are you doing?” you might ask.

I’ll just say “I’m OK”.

I’m good. I’m fine.

It’s not my life anyway.

I’ll keep pretending until I get taken away.

Acceptance should be easy.

I’m an illness to some.

A joke to others.

And an attention seeker for the rest.

I did not ask for this body.

This name or this life.

I just want to be me.

Whoever that might be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chained, Broken and Unloved

I feel broken and alone.
No words are left untold.
We’re meant to be.
Or is it all a lie?
This is nothing but a thought.

I force myself to believe.
This reality is just a dream.
Happy thoughts.
What’s wrong with me?

It’s beginning to sink in.
I chained my soul.
I’m broken not unloved.
I want to be free.

It’s all too surreal.
A never-ending dream.
I can’t even scream.
I need to break free.
Let this be a dream

I Want to Live.

Human as a species seem to have a strong survival instinct. It’s not really a bad thing. I’m not religious so the life we have is something we should try to cherish because it’s the only life we’re given but that’s just my personal opinion.

I’m not good at living. I’ve survived and fought my way to get where I am today just like so many others. Whether it is because of mental or physical causes or even because of war. The list of reasons is long. Living is sometime not an option if surviving one day at a time is enough of a battle.

I’ve had the luxury of sitting down to reflect on the choices I’ve done, why I chose to handle various situations the way I did and why I still seem to survive more than I actually live.

My conclusion: I need to do some changes.
I want to live. I want to feel free and not chained down.

I’m not sure if I know how to live anymore.
There’s so many things I want to do, places I want to see, changed I need to make and people I’ve been lucky enough to get to know through various communities I’d like to meet.
This is what makes me cling on simply surviving. It all cost money. If I only survive I can use that as an excuse. I can blame not having money. I can blame on not being able to save up money because even surviving is expensive.

So I’ll be making a Bucket List and I’ll even add it on this blog as a reminder to myself that there’s more in life than just money. I can choose to live. I can choose who or what in my life that cause me happiness and try to eliminate the things that try to push me down.

The first step in that I fear is being open to the people I care about and the ones I know will support me.
There’s some irony in all of this and probably the reason for why I feel like I live in the wrong time zone or want a fresh start all the time.
The ones I’ve been lucky enough to get to know through the various communities is the ones I trust the most. While some might necessarily not agree or share the same view as I do I still get the same amount of respect as I give them. I’m still treated like a human being.

I’d like to thank you all for that.
There’s a few I’d like to name but I won’t. You know who you are. I’ve known some of you for years and some still only for months but I surely hope it won’t change any time soon.

And thank you all who follows this blog or have pressed that like button. It means a lot to me. Thank you for allowing me to be me. Thank you for not judging.
Thank you.

The reason why I want a fresh start is not because I hate my life to the point where just erasing my past and cut all connections to it. I fear it’s something a lot more simple. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to see people walk out of my life for wanting to be myself. There will always be someone who don’t like me or even respect my choices but knowing that basically everyone I live close to, family members or co-workers won’t understand because I’ve stayed silent for so long won’t believe me or show any support makes me continue to hide. I might be given support or have them accept it but some will laugh because of lack of knowledge or simply because they don’t share the same view.

Just because I was born with some body parts and a paper who makes it a ‘fact’ in today’s society it doesn’t mean I feel comfortable with it. It doesn’t necessarily mean that’s all I am and it certainly doesn’t mean I need to act the ‘proper’ way said paper says I should just because it makes it easier and more comfortable for those who think I’m a joke.

I always try to give the same amount or more when it comes to respect, kindness and support I’m given and I will never stop doing that. If the day comes and I stop showing all of those things it will be the day I’ll never forgive myself. It would no longer me a version of me I could recognize.

~Kes

Sleep Deprivation: A Forced Issue.

Like the title explain I’ve caused myself to become sleep deprived.

I’m no doctor but willingly forcing oneself to go days, weeks or even years without enough sleep can’t be good for the body.

Why would I do something stupid as shortening my sleep down to a maximum of 4 hours a night?

While I physically will perform worse at work and in any physical situation, I noticed it just after a day, my mental state improved. The first day was the worst and  I only planned for it to be that one day. One day where dreams No, one day where it didn’t feel like I was reaching my limit. One day where I didn’t have to feel anything.

While I laugh and smile and feel like I can understand why I do that. It’s either forced or honest. Feeling angry, frustrated is also something I can understand.
Sadness, anger, fear and anything related to those.

I know what it is and what it means in form of feeling it but that itself terrifies me.
I don’t know how to cope with those emotions. I bottle it up until there’s no other way than to allow all of it to flow out of control.
Anxiety, embarrassment, weakness. Those are my first thoughts.
I’ve had times where it made me throw up, have a black hole where those memories should exist.

These are the words I used to a dear friend.

Suppressing emotions and being utterly terrified of allowing me to go through whatever it might be. I bottle up anger and frustration until I explode which means I’ll say things I’ve wanted to say for a long time but in a more extreme way and with the wrong words.I feel emotionally inept. I don’t allow myself to feel happy for long period of times because I fear that I will hit rock bottom once something happens. I suppress the sadness aspect of emotions when I’m face to face to people. I only realized yesterday how inept I am on that aspect. I go to great lengths to not break down in front of people. I’d rather bottle it up until no ones around.

 

It’s easier to write it down.

These are words no person have heard me utter. I’m not even sure I’d be able to face the ones who knew. I’d feel like an open book.

It’s easier to hide aspects of yourself when no one knows they exist regardless of what the reason might be.

~Kes.