Energy, Identity & Fear.

It’s been a couple of days since my last blog post.

I always seem to push myself to my limit. Fever, headaches and joint pain is my body’s way of telling me to relax.

I love my job even though it can feel overwhelming at times. Heavy lifts, stress, constantly feeling like I have to prove that I’m worthy of the job.

I don’t get paid a lot and the work hours can be tiresome as well. It’s a job and I adore my co-workers. They’ve become a part of my family.

But, because I see them as my family, I feel like I can be myself to the fullest.

I want to be able to tell who I am, how I feel and what I’d like to be called.

Telling who I am and how I feel is simple enough. I just need to trust people more.

What I want to be called feels a little more difficult. Blood relatives, family and acquaintances seems to be so set on my birth given gender and how I should act and behave. I’m not sure how they would react since many of them shows signs and express discomfort around matters that they’re not used to.

I identify as genderfluid and I’m proud of it. I dress the way I want, I like who and what I want but I still can’t seem to be as open about it as I want.

If I have to explain it I think the only word for it is fear. Fear of how people would react, fear of losing the family I have, the fear of being treated badly and the fear of violent people.

It’s draining. Always having your shield up, always keeping part of yourself hidden.

I wish this world could be open-minded. I wish we could live peacefully. I wish that being who we are was seen as ‘normal’.

It shouldn’t, it doesn’t, matter. Gender, identity, sexual orientation is just words to help describe part of our identity and personality. It’s who we are and not what we identify as that should matter.

Hopefully it will happen in the near future.

 

~Kester.

 

 

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