Self Doubt, Hesitation & Fear.

I’m still relatively new to blogging but I decided that this time it would be different. I wouldn’t just give up, I wouldn’t hide behind topics that had no meaning to me.

I want to write about things that I personally care about. Things I can’t be open about otherwise.

I don’t know.

All I’m thinking right now is “Why am I writing this blog post?”. If I publish this will it make a difference? Will you be able to relate? Will you feel less alone if you read this? Will you feel that things will get better?

I didn’t want to write such a blog post. I wanted this to be a happy place, a place to feel inspired, a place to..No..

The truth is that I’m really struggling to find the right words or just words in general. Maybe I’m just trying to avoid writing about it.

I’m doubting myself, I feel the hesitation and fear building up all the time.

Am I being a hypocrite for wanting to focus on being positive and happy? I feel like I am.

How can I say that I want this blog to be all of that when being truthful means showing all sides. The good and the bad.

I want this blog to be a place where people can relate and not feel alone in this world. I want to show that even when all you feel like is building a wall around yourself there is hope. There is people that care. There is happiness to be found.

I took a walk down memory lane a few days ago and I’m still crawling my way out of it.

I’m lying to myself. I want to believe I’m happier than I am. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy but I’m holding back because I feel like I don’t deserve it. I want to think I’m strong but how can I be strong when I can’t be myself around people.

I feel like I’m slowly drowning, like I’m being pulled down by something and that something is my own lack of self esteem and self confidence.

How can I help making this world a better place when I can’t even help myself?

I feel utterly alone because I can’t let go of this mask of mine.

I have people I care about that care about me and I know that because they have told me.

I’m clinging on the thought that it will get better because I know it will.

I can’t make a difference if I let myself get devoured.

Never allow someone to make you believe you don’t matter, that you’re not important, even if that someone is yourself.

You are one of a kind. You can brighten someones day with just a smile.

Just a gesture to let a person know that you see them can make such a difference.

 

~Kester.

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