A Way to Explain.

I can’t repeat myself enough when I say that I want this blog to be a motivation, an inspiration and a place for you to relate.

My first plan was that I’d mainly use this blog as a WIP for a story I’m working on while occasionally talking about daily things or things that inspire me.

What I’ve come to realize is that, I can mention the story every now and then but the progress I make is too sporadic. I’d feel like I’m disappointing myself and eventually give up on the blog again. This time is different for some reason. I want to help make a difference and I can’t do that by only blog about when I’ve updated or added new aspects of the story.

I’ve been trying to find the source of a theory I really connected with because of the simplicity yet strong insight it can give.

The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino really gave me hope that one day people will be more understanding and be able to see you and not your traits.

I have problems with chronic back pain, inflamed muscles, painful joints and depressions. It’s not the same as the one spoken about in the link above but the basics are relate-able to some extent.

I go to physical therapy once a week just to be able to keep working and like my physical therapist told me (I didn’t like it at the time and I’m still working on accepting it) I don’t have an unlimited energy source. I wake up with an energy level at 80% if I’m lucky. I can sleep for 5 hours, I can sleep for 8 hours and I can sleep for 14 hours and still not wake up feeling rested. I often wake up feeling even worse.

Getting up, taking a shower and even taking care of yesterday’s dishes lowers my energy and then there is work.

I have no blood related family that understands why I’m always tired, why I rarely visit and often cancel plans. I just don’t have the energy most of the time.

I have a routine I follow every day. I wake up, take a shower and then I lay down to hopefully charge my ‘batteries’ before I go to work and on days off I just relax and do the things I feel capable of doing no matter how much it frustrates me knowing that there are things at home I should be doing and even family or friends that wants me to visit.

It’s painful being told that sometimes you just have to do it no matter how tired you are.

Being social in general requires me to keep a mask on. It requires me to smile and act like nothing is wrong. It requires me to be someone I’m not and it’s draining me.

On this blog I can be me to the fullest without worrying about judgmental eyes.

hank you for allowing me to be me without that mask of mine. Thank you for not forcing roles on me and thank you most of all for allowing me to feel like gender truly don’t matter and not forcing one upon me. Thank you for accepting even though you might not agree.

Thank you for being you.

 

~Kester.

 

 

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