Gender & Identity Confusion.

For a couple of weeks now I’ve been inactiv because of working a lot and generally being confused and I’ve been trying to figure out how to handle it.

I don’t really like how easy it is to label people for who they are, who they like, how they feel or how they dress. Having a word for it makes it easier but labels feels restricting. It’s not the label that makes you who you are. It’s your personality.

In todays society there seem to only exist two genders. Male and female. What about those who can’t identify as any?

We’ve come a long way but we still not far enough to accept that gender don’t necersarrily mean what body we’re born in.

I’m born a female. I don’t mind it. Though, I would like less feminine traits and instead of just wishing for it I’ve decided to do something about it.

I have an SO I love and that makes me smile and laugh. I can’t get rid of the thought of wishing that my SO had the oppsite gender at times.  It’s frustraing because it feels like a selfish and superficial wish. It’s the personality I’m attracted to. The smile and kindness and the eyes.

I don’t feel like a female but I seem to prefer the female body over the male one.

I thought finally being able to have a word to use, a label if you like, would help me feel less confused but it turns out I don’t feel much like any gender.

While I indentify more like a male and less like a female I don’t feel like I need to chance my gender. For me personally it’s enough to get rid of some of my feminine traits without surgery or such. There’s two I have been considering but it probably won’t be possible for it to happen because it costs a lot of money that I don’t have.

Working out to build muscles, finding a way to accept my body as it is for now and take one step at a time from there is my goal for now.

If I was to give myself a label now I wouldn’t use genderfluid like I used to think was the right one for me personally. Genderqueer feels right. It feels natural. Yes, I have a female body but I don’t feel like one since body wise it’s too visble for my own liking. I just can’t identify as any gender for the time being. There’s too much of a phyicical gap between what I feel like and how I look.

Feel free to tell me whether or not this is a topic you want me to update on a weekly or monthly basis.

Learning about oneself takes a long time but with patience and support it feels easier.  Just know you’re not alone and there’s always someone there to help you through it.

~ Kester.


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