The Next Step.

Anxiety is not a fun thing to experience but it’s not uncommon. For every individual that experience it there’s one new way of explaining it. We might experience the same but the thoughts, emotions and how we deal with it will never be fully the same.

I’ve been wanting to believe that I’ve had it under control for years. That I can ignore it by will. I’ve been able to ignore the anxiety at work because I know I can’t allow it to be an issue. It’s still there but because I don’t have the time to think about it and because I don’t want my co-workers worry I act like nothing.

I have a mild anxiety compared to others. I only experience restlessness, shaking hands and legs, a throat feeling like a dessert, dizziness and cold sweating.  It doesn’t matter if it’s family or blood relatives I’m around. I’m unable to control it.
I usually blame the shaking on feeling cold or the cold sweating on warm weather or just wearing too much clothes. It has worked so far and it will hopefully continue to work as an excuse because most of my blood relatives consider such things a sickness. Something only people with ‘broken’ minds to have.
I don’t have the energy to educate them, tell them how long I’ve had issues with depression and anxiety and how long I’ve kept it a secret. Most of them don’t deserve to know because they have never asked, they have never considered that I might have such traits and instead decided who they want me to be as a person.

My SO knows I’ve had issues with depression. I’m quite certain it’s visible that I still struggle with it at times but instead of constantly trying to help I feel lucky that my SO accepts me for who I am and offers safety by being relaxed and instead ask me how I feel several times a day if needed. If I say I’m doing alright my SO won’t second guess me and accept the answer even though that it’s obvious that it’s not the truth.

Another reason why I think the anxiety have continued to get worse is because I’m tired of acting like someone else. Gender identity.
I’ve always had an open mind for as long as I can remember. Just because someone thought something else I didn’t necessarily agree.

It’s still a relatively new thing. Sex, gender, gender identity and sexual orientation.

I’ve mentioned it before but my biological gender, the one I was given at birth, is female.
As a kid I wore dresses and didn’t think more about it because I was raised thinking it only existed two genders. He or she. Since I was born with female parts I was a she.
It’s not that easy and I thinking back I believe it’s part of why I got the depression and anxiety. Growing older I quickly avoided wearing a dress as much as possible because it didn’t feel comfortable. I’m still not comfortable wearing one and I’m slowly changing my ways and not just dressing the way people expect me to dress.

I don’t really identify as any gender. I don’t mind the female body but there surely is things I wish to change but it cost a lot of money which I don’t have.
I feel to feminine and it makes me feel uncomfortable in my own body.

There are very few people who know this about me because gender identity seems not be believed because reasons I can’t start to understand. It seems to be a topic for jokes for people who don’t understand it or accept that the two gender model has been outdated for several years.

I’m writing about it because I’ve come to realize I need to do something about it for my own sake. For my own physical and mental health.

I need to take the step and become more open about it even if it means just a few people I know will understand.

I’m not sure how helpful this blog post will be. I don’t know if it will be an inspiration or a motivation for others.
It’s probably confusing, poorly written and already written about many times.

Don’t suffer alone. I’m still educating myself on as many topics about such things I can but I am more than willing to answer any questions that you readers have. I’m not a professional but I’m always willing to help in every way I can.

~Kester.

 

 

 

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