Work, Secrets and Smiles.

Lately work has made days feel like weeks. Especially this week and the week still isn’t over. It’s only Wednesday after all.
Next week might get a lot better. I might finally allow my body to relax. Allow my mind to relax. That’s only if I get those days off work. I’ll probably dread that phone call that tells me that a co-worker is sick or that they need help.

I just need days off without being scared of a phone call. Days off where I don’t have to think about work, about work questions being asked. Just days to regain my energy to the chronic peak of 80%.

I’m lucky though. I still can work. I can still get dressed, I can still work and not be physically restricted to my body other than a constant low energy level.

I can control my anxiety enough that it don’t affect my work or other things like grocery shopping.

My energy has allowed me to work, sleep and household chores that I can’t just put on hold until I have the strength for it.

Keeping part of myself a secret at all times also drain me, smiling even when all I want is to scream and also making sure the mask I wear won’t show how I really feel inside.

I’d be telling lies if I told you that I’m constantly happy, that my motivation to write never leaves or that my demons is all in the past.

I’d rather focus on the good things because if I allow myself to stay in the rabbit hole for too long it will devour me and I don’t dare to think how long it will take for me to crawl up that hole again. While the negative thoughts is always present all I intend to do with it is to accept it, to use it for motivation and to keep it as a reminder.

I don’t want to fall without a fight. Even if I have to crawl while the weight of it tries to break me.

I just need to learn to listen to my body’s limit instead of ignoring it and pushing my limits constantly. I’ve never been good at listening to my body. I feel like I need to prove that even with a broken body most things is possible.

I just don’t want others, you lovely people, to do that to your own bodies or mind.

Don’t push your limits if you know you’ll be stuck in bed for days after.

 

~Kes.

 

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