Self Worth: Crushed but Glued.

After having some of my self-worth torn apart earlier this week I took a dive in the rabbit hole.

Seeing the person laugh and things that matter to me. Things that helped me understand and accept several aspects of myself. Being told that it’s ridiculous and not real. It crushed my self-worth.

I’ve been prepared for it because society still has a long way to go when it comes to acceptance but it still felt like a punch in the face.

For a long time this role that I’ve been given because of what I was born as has felt suffocating. It’s ironically the ‘simple’ things like being expected to wear a dress, act a certain way or not looking too masculine. I’ve never felt comfortable wearing a dress. It feels humiliating and highly uncomfortable for me. This year will hopefully be the first year I will change that by not showing up at family events or work related ones in a dress but rather something I want to wear and something I feel comfortable in regardless how people might react.

Hearing that pronouns  other than what you have been born as is nonsense is not exactly encouraging and it don’t make it easier to actually speak about such things to the person.

I want to be honest about my life and how I feel so badly to the ones I care about but when I know that all that will happen is that I either get people laughing at me, getting angry or just humiliate me it makes me avoid it.

I wish this current society was enough open to accept at least a third gender. One that allowed you to have a passport or an ID or just any piece of paper in general that did not have only Female or Male in it.

I’m unable to look at old pictures of myself without cringing. I look as miserable as I feel when see those pictures. A fake smile glued on my face but with dead eyes.

I wish I never put this mask on mine on in public. I wish I was open the very first second I knew how I felt, that I want a name change, that I don’t feel comfortable in my own body, that I feel unhappy when people automatically call me by my real name and what I was born.

This is the reason I want to escape a lot of the times. This is why I’m unable to feel happy most of the time. This is why I wear my mask.

I just want to say thank you. Thank you all for allowing me to be who I feel. For allowing me to remove the mask and just be me and no one else.

Thank you for not judging in a way that makes me feel like nothing but trash.

From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

~ Kes.

 

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