Not Human At All

Don’t blame me for the things I’ve done.
I only did what I knew was wrong.
Walk away if you want to show a weaker side.
I did what I was told.
I walked away.
If I only knew better.
I died that day.
What’s wrong?
Nothing, I said.
Why are you mad?
I’m not, I said.
Talk. I know there’s something wrong.
There’s nothing wrong, I said. Don’t make me walk away.
You act like a machine.
Not human at all.
You never smile.
Why don’t you go outside?
I did, I lied.
I walked for quite a while.
Did you walk alone?
No was my reply.
It’s all lies.
All because the eyes.

How are you doing?
I’m doing well, I said.
I know you’re lying.
Why tell a lie when I have nothing to hide?
You act like a machine.
Not human at all.
Thank you, I said, with a smile on my face.
Why do you keep doing this to yourself? It is not you at all.
I just smiled.
I don’t know who I am.
I never smile nor do I cry.
No weakness, no strength.

What’s wrong?
Such a silly question, I said, nothing is wrong. Why do you ask?
You’ve become contained.
I just walked away.
People are worried I heard someone said.
You never smile.
You look scared.
Like you’ve got something you try to hide.
Maybe, I said, but you don’t need to worry.
I can see the pain. Don’t hide behind a smile.
Talk to me.
I want to help.

How can you help? How can you listen?
I don’t believe you.
This smile of mine.
This mask.
Why do I hide?

Your voice, your view.
Don’t speak lies.
I know what you think.
I know who you judge.

I’d lose you if I removed the smile.

© Kester Muiredac/Val Vladicvik (Same person, different name).

I wrote this piece years ago. Some changes has been done but the message is basically the same. Depression, identity, anxiety and fear. It’s all triggered by something

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