Delusional Wonderland: Rabbit Hole


© Kester Muiredac

Walking. Observing. Falling. Diving.

I’m drowning but I’m lucky.

I live in a country where people are learning to become more open-minded.

A country where things don’t go backwards. A place where people accept.

There’s glares and people talking behind each others back but it’s still improvement.

I’m not sure how I was raised, I can honestly not remember, but what I do know is that  I never understood what skin color, what a religion or no religion, who one likes or how one want to be seen was of any importance. There probably was times when someone tried to push their belief and view on me but I could never understand what or why I should think that it would change a person. It’s still the same person. That’s probably why I went through so much anger. Why does any of those things matters?

It matters. Don’t get me wrong.

I just saw the person for who that person was. Their personality and soul.

Other than being open about the fact that I liked who I like based on personality and nothing else.

How can I tell someone I care about that I don’t feel comfortable in my own body when all I hear is them making fun of all of it.

It shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.

How you feel and how you identify yourself shouldn’t matter. Why? Because you’re still the same. Why can’t people accept you for who you are?

That’s a lie. Being allowed to be yourself without fear is way better.


When did being yourself become a danger? When did the human race decide that a skin color, a religion, ones personal identity and who one likes is wrong?

Wrong according to who?

A book? A fairytale? A myth?

It’s not from someone who cares. That’s for sure.

If every individual at least respected each other I want to believe this world would be quite different.

Less hate. Less death. Maybe even fewer wars.

You can respect without agreeing. You don’t have to shove your view down

people’s throat and especially if you’re unable to see it from a different perspective.

I’m drowning.

I might not live in the US and I surely won’t even consider visiting the US for many years.

I’m honestly terrified. I don’t care a bit about politics. What I care about and what I worry about is what the politicians say and how they word themselves.

It can cause so much damage.

There are so many lives that’s in the danger zone now. So much hate. So much violence. So many things that just aren’t acceptable. It will never be acceptable to look down on other human beings. At least not in my eyes.

I don’t care what you believe in. I don’t care who you like. I don’t care how you identify yourself. I don’t care about the color of your skin.

I care about YOU. All of you. Every single one of you.

Smile, laugh, cry.
Just feel safe and comfortable.
I will never judge.
Just never hide.

I’m drowning.
I took a fall and now I can’t get up.
I’m scared and sad.
I’m angry yet numb.
I laugh and smile but it’s all a facade.
I wish I fought harder.
I’m drowning in my own lies.
I can’t hide forever.
Will I have anyone by my side when I remove this mask?

Would my life have turned out differently?
Would I  feel free?
Would I still be where I am today without the mask?
Would it have allowed me to be who I am?
Would I be who I feel under all these mask?

Less shy. Less anxious.
More confident with a voice.

I have no voice. I talk but I need to force the words out of my mouth.
I have to repeat myself because I talk so low.
I might act differently but if people knew how much it drains me.
How much it kills me.
I might act like it’s not.
I might act like nothing’s wrong.

I don’t want to drown.
I’m just a ghost.



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