Pride and Shame: The Journey

As a somewhat anonymous person writing things for the entire world to read I’m not like this out in the real world. This persona is a reflection of who I wish I was and who I want to become. This is who I am even though this is the only place I can be myself. Hidden.

As a kid while I still was rather easy to manipulate and project opinions and views I still was quiet and shy. I can’t remember how my personality was. I do vaguely remember that I didn’t mind socializing. Being around people, visiting friends. It took me a while to get rid of the worst shyness but once that was done I could talk and run around like nothing.
As a kid I was raised in the stereotypical ‘girls play with dolls and like pink’ and ‘boys play with cars and like every color that exist’.
While I don’t have many memories except from the ones I’ve been told in later years. I guess I had a phase where I only wanted pink things which might be the reason I don’t like that color much anymore.The thought of that still makes me cringe.  I had a pink bedroom.
What I do remember clearly is how much I enjoyed being able to play with cars, TMNT, Sonic the Hedgehog and video games in general.
This alone doesn’t mean much but it made me feel like an outcast. I never got along well with girls in general. I still felt more comfortable around males. It made me feel like I could be anything.
Being raised in someones image can cause issues. It made me feel uncomfortable in my own body. I’m a female at birth. Dress, high heels, makeup, big breasts and a slim body. That is the image I feel I have been raised to believe was normal. How I was supposed to act like.

I felt even more uncomfortable in later years. Like I didn’t belong and that there was something wrong with me. How I was raised still had a grip around me. Holding me back and still making me feel like an outcast.
I had my first silly crush, a female teacher. I had my first kiss, another female. I
I never thought much about it until a few years later.
I’ve always had an issue with the male anatomy. I thought it looked unnatural and still think that. At least the lower part. I’m not sure why I’ve always thought that. I don’t mind it but there’s something about it that I can’t explain.
I was also given the impression that showing emotions, which is retrospect contradict almost everything I was raised to believe, is a sign of weakness. Being told to go to another room for just that cause did not help and eventually I was seen as heartless in certain situations. All I did and still do is to remain neutral regardless of how every part of me feels like tearing apart.

These lies needs to end. This fake smile, the constant optimist and the never-ending excuses. There’s a limit to everything.

I think I have hit mine. I can no longer maintain the cracks and missing pieces I have caused upon myself. I’m breaking apart faster than I can repair the pieces.

I’ve cut or is in the process of cutting out every thing I’ve felt I needed on a daily basis. Nicotine and caffeine. I’ve learned that it isn’t the effect itself I’ve needed. Another thing I’m considering is parts of myself. Not sure how I’ll remove those part without it being to obvious. How do I erase what most people consider my entire personality?

How am I doing?
I’m not doing well. I feel stuck. I feel sad. I’m in pain. A physical pain I haven’t felt in years. Maybe the caffeine and nicotine has kept the worst of it hidden by giving me more energy on a daily basis.
When I’m not at work I sleep. I sleep a lot. I don’t feel hungry most of the time.
I haven’t dared to think of how I am doing mentally. I’d rather avoid it for now.

I’m stubborn, I’ll get through this.
I always do.

No more labels. I’m just me. I am who I am and like who I like.

 

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