Gender Identity: Personal View

You guessed it, another blog post about this.

Now, I want to give you as a reader a hopefully more clear image of my ‘situation’. A way to see things from my personal perspective because no matter how much I try to see it from two sides there’s always a third side that I never can view it from in this case.

This name which I’m considering changing a little. Instead of KesterMuiredac (the current one) and I’m considering KestersSomething or SomethingKester. If you have a name you think would fit I’m more than open to ideas.
I’ve mentioned it before but this name is a pseudonym but at the same time it’s not. Kester is a name I’ve wanted to use as my legal name, my real name, for a long time.
It’s not that much different from my legal name but it’s different enough for blood relatives, friends and generally people who have known me for years.

I’ve come out in one aspect. I like a person first and foremost based on personality.
For me it’s not what in a persons pants or identity in general. The first thing I notice is a persons eyes, smile and personality. While I came out as bisexual I also discovered that sex and gender just didn’t matter.

Why do I want to legally change my name? Do I want to transition? (What) do I want to change anything? Is there parts of me that I want to change? Do anyone of my blood relatives, friends or my SO know? How does it affect me?

Feel free to ask any question you might be curious about. I will answer everything except revealing my real name or where I live.

I want to change my legal name because even though I’m used to being called by it and I respond when someone call me it without any correction it makes me cringe. It makes me feel like crap and it feels like a punch in the stomach.
No, I don’t feel the need to transition (ftm) but I would like to find a way to look more neutral, more androgynous, without surgery. I feel like it would make me happier and make me feel more like me.
Yes, there are things about my body I’d like to change:

  • Breasts: I’d like smaller. I don’t feel uncomfortable having breasts but at the same time I don’t want them to be visible.
  • Being sterilized: I have nothing against kids but I can’t see myself being a parent for various reasons. Some of it because I fear that it might inherit my genes and end up with scoliosis, bad sight and the list goes on and the rest is because I personally never really wanted a kid of my own. I might think of it but just a few seconds later I ask myself why I’d want one.
  • Nose: I’ve never liked my nose. I guess ‘potato’ nose is what I could call it. It’s not too much of an issue but I’ve always wanted to get rid of that part.
  •  Lips: I want my bottom lip to be smaller. I’m not even sure if it’s possible so if you have any information or done it yourself I’d appreciate any feedback.  I don’t feel like I have big lips and I honestly like the fact that I don’t. The issue is my lower lip. Its ‘lines’ are bigger than my upper lip and I truly dislike it. My lips have always been like that but it have been bothering me more and more over the years.

No, as much as it saddens me there is no one in my circle of blood relatives, friends, even my SO, that knows how I feel about my body or my gender identity. While I know some would be very open-minded and supportive I know that others would almost laugh when or if I told. If I said that wanted to transition I’m quite certain that I’d receive more understanding and support compared to telling them how I feel because it can sound confusing. It makes me feel like a joke. Like what I feel don’t matter.

While I don’t mind having a biological female body I would like those traits less visible like I mentioned earlier in this blog post. I also prefer being called by male pronouns over female pronouns. I’d like more muscles on my body because I feel like even that would be a step to looking more neutral.

This is all for now.

Thank you for reading.




3 thoughts on “Gender Identity: Personal View

  1. Whatever it is you want, I will always support it. Even if what you want seems strange, I hope it makes you happy. As for male pronouns, I will try to remember. I just need to break the habit I have in calling you ‘she’. Though as I said, I don’t like that or your name to a gender. To me it just reminds me of you and theway I know you.


    • That means the world to me. We’ve known each other for a lifetime and regarding pronouns I don’t mind if you call me ‘she’. What makes me happy is that you have supported me and still do support me and not even once tried to make me feel like there’s something wrong with me or that it’s ‘just a phase’. The thought of your support and your honesty and not to mention your respect of what I want is something I can never express through words. I can only hope that I’ve shown that I will always support and respect you and your every decision and choice.


  2. Pingback: Identity & the Comfort of Knowing | kestermuiredac

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s