Afraid to Face the Truth

I’m running. I’m hiding.

The bad habits of mine is nothing but a distraction. A poisonous one.

I’m suffocating myself by avoiding the truth.

I smile and laugh.

I joke and act like nothing.

I can’t make myself speak the words.

.. But maybe I can write them.

I’m happy yet unhappy.

I fear a relapse worse than a few bad habits.

I have achieved nothing in my life.

All my dreams. The few I still have.

The rest is nightmares.

Who am I?

I’m not speaking of the meaning of life or my purpose in this, in my life.

I just want to feel useful. To feel like I’ve done some good to this world.

No matter how small it is.

To make someone smile, laugh or feel some joy even if it’s just for a couple of minutes.

Who am I?

Well, here’s what I know.

I’m a Scandinavian. I’m genderqueer. I adore sci-fi and fantasy as a genre. I want to make prostheses which works just as good or better than ‘normal’ limbs. I want the technology to be at that exact point where we can connect robotic limbs to a person.

I’m happy yet unhappy.

I’m avoiding issues, I shut down under pressure or if I feel overwhelmed by pressure or just stress in general.

I want to cry. I want to scream.

I have no voice of my own because I don’t know how to use it.  I’m afraid to use it because I dislike my own voice.

I dislike my body. I dislike most aspects of myself.

But in the end it doesn’t matter.

I can always improve.

I’m just lost in the rabbit hole. My own personal hell.

I’d carry the pain of the world if I could.

For just some happiness in return.

I’ve run out of words.

I’m sorry.

~Kes.

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One thought on “Afraid to Face the Truth

  1. Pingback: My Future, Fear and Motivation. | kestermuiredac

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