Like the title explain I’ve caused myself to become sleep deprived.
I’m no doctor but willingly forcing oneself to go days, weeks or even years without enough sleep can’t be good for the body.
Why would I do something stupid as shortening my sleep down to a maximum of 4 hours a night?
While I physically will perform worse at work and in any physical situation, I noticed it just after a day, my mental state improved. The first day was the worst and I only planned for it to be that one day.
One day where dreams No, one day where it didn’t feel like I was reaching my limit. One day where I didn’t have to feel anything.
While I laugh and smile and feel like I can understand why I do that. It’s either forced or honest. Feeling angry, frustrated is also something I can understand.
Sadness, anger, fear and anything related to those.
I know what it is and what it means in form of feeling it but that itself terrifies me.
I don’t know how to cope with those emotions. I bottle it up until there’s no other way than to allow all of it to flow out of control.
Anxiety, embarrassment, weakness. Those are my first thoughts.
I’ve had times where it made me throw up, have a black hole where those memories should exist.
These are the words I used to a dear friend.
Suppressing emotions and being utterly terrified of allowing me to go through whatever it might be. I bottle up anger and frustration until I explode which means I’ll say things I’ve wanted to say for a long time but in a more extreme way and with the wrong words.I feel emotionally inept. I don’t allow myself to feel happy for long period of times because I fear that I will hit rock bottom once something happens. I suppress the sadness aspect of emotions when I’m face to face to people. I only realized yesterday how inept I am on that aspect. I go to great lengths to not break down in front of people. I’d rather bottle it up until no ones around.
It’s easier to write it down.
These are words no person have heard me utter. I’m not even sure I’d be able to face the ones who knew. I’d feel like an open book.
It’s easier to hide aspects of yourself when no one knows they exist regardless of what the reason might be.