I Want to Live.

Human as a species seem to have a strong survival instinct. It’s not really a bad thing. I’m not religious so the life we have is something we should try to cherish because it’s the only life we’re given but that’s just my personal opinion.

I’m not good at living. I’ve survived and fought my way to get where I am today just like so many others. Whether it is because of mental or physical causes or even because of war. The list of reasons is long. Living is sometime not an option if surviving one day at a time is enough of a battle.

I’ve had the luxury of sitting down to reflect on the choices I’ve done, why I chose to handle various situations the way I did and why I still seem to survive more than I actually live.

My conclusion: I need to do some changes.
I want to live. I want to feel free and not chained down.

I’m not sure if I know how to live anymore.
There’s so many things I want to do, places I want to see, changed I need to make and people I’ve been lucky enough to get to know through various communities I’d like to meet.
This is what makes me cling on simply surviving. It all cost money. If I only survive I can use that as an excuse. I can blame not having money. I can blame on not being able to save up money because even surviving is expensive.

So I’ll be making a Bucket List and I’ll even add it on this blog as a reminder to myself that there’s more in life than just money. I can choose to live. I can choose who or what in my life that cause me happiness and try to eliminate the things that try to push me down.

The first step in that I fear is being open to the people I care about and the ones I know will support me.
There’s some irony in all of this and probably the reason for why I feel like I live in the wrong time zone or want a fresh start all the time.
The ones I’ve been lucky enough to get to know through the various communities is the ones I trust the most. While some might necessarily not agree or share the same view as I do I still get the same amount of respect as I give them. I’m still treated like a human being.

I’d like to thank you all for that.
There’s a few I’d like to name but I won’t. You know who you are. I’ve known some of you for years and some still only for months but I surely hope it won’t change any time soon.

And thank you all who follows this blog or have pressed that like button. It means a lot to me. Thank you for allowing me to be me. Thank you for not judging.
Thank you.

The reason why I want a fresh start is not because I hate my life to the point where just erasing my past and cut all connections to it. I fear it’s something a lot more simple. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to see people walk out of my life for wanting to be myself. There will always be someone who don’t like me or even respect my choices but knowing that basically everyone I live close to, family members or co-workers won’t understand because I’ve stayed silent for so long won’t believe me or show any support makes me continue to hide. I might be given support or have them accept it but some will laugh because of lack of knowledge or simply because they don’t share the same view.

Just because I was born with some body parts and a paper who makes it a ‘fact’ in today’s society it doesn’t mean I feel comfortable with it. It doesn’t necessarily mean that’s all I am and it certainly doesn’t mean I need to act the ‘proper’ way said paper says I should just because it makes it easier and more comfortable for those who think I’m a joke.

I always try to give the same amount or more when it comes to respect, kindness and support I’m given and I will never stop doing that. If the day comes and I stop showing all of those things it will be the day I’ll never forgive myself. It would no longer me a version of me I could recognize.

~Kes

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