Identity & the Comfort of Knowing

There’s 7.5 billion people living in this world. We might have the same opinions, the same eye color, hair color, hobbies and job but in the end we’re all individuals.  We all feel, think and react differently.

For me personally not knowing or not having a way to describe and explain things is one of the best ways of slowly tormenting myself. It’s not a life or death situation but until I find the best term, word or way of explaining or/and describing said thing I’m unable to stop thinking about it and eventually it cause me unnecessary stress and a constant state of feeling uncomfortable.

Not caring about the name, or label if you like, when it who I like and feel attracted to is one thing. I don’t need a name for that and that might have something to do with the fact that I already know there is a term for it. I know because I spent years finding a word I could use that I felt comfortable with using and once I did it didn’t matter. I like people based on the persons personality, their smile and eyes.
I’m not going to lie, certain features attracts me more than others but in the end it’s the personality that matters in my eyes. That’s just my personal opinion.

When it comes to my body I feel lost. I feel confused and I feel defeated.

My height and weight is one thing that does not make that easier.
The height is not something I can’t do much with, not that’s worth the pain and time it will take at least but my weight is something I’m working on changing.
I’m currently 19 lbs away from my weight goal and most of those pounds will be gained by building muscles. This will not only hopefully help my body hurt less but also make me feel more comfortable in general.

My voice is also something I can’t do much about yet. I’ve always wanted to have it changed just not with medications. Like in the past all I can do know is to work on accepting it day by day.

There’s a few other things I’ve written about that can be found by clicking this link Gender Identity: Personal View
In short, changes that costs quite a bit and most of them might never happen.
What I can do is having my name changed and have some of my insides put out of use.

Now for the part of my personal torment and agony.
How can I explain to someone something I’ve felt for years? Something I’ve kept hidden and silent about?
How can explain when I don’t have the proper word for how uncomfortable I feel in my own body?
I don’t feel fully uncomfortable in my own body. My voice and my height seems to automatically make people feel comfortable throwing words and statements in my face. The one bothering me the most must me “Oh, you can’t lift that heavy. Remember you’re going to have a kid one day”. I wasn’t able to give a comment on so instead I just started doing exactly what I was told not to do to prove I’m perfectly capable of carrying heavy objects. It sure messed up my back though. The upper part is something I can hide without all too much effort and with the few options I have.

I want to change my name, get a new passport. A new start I guess.
But how?
I can have it changed rather fast if I just want but there will be questions that I can’t answer because I lack a way of explaining an describing it all.
I feel no need for medications and most operations other than the things mentioned already.
I’ve tried to make myself believe that saying “This is just me” or “I’m just me” is enough but my mind always ends up trying to find a proper word and a way of explaining.

I don’t feel like I can’t be myself unless I have a way of explaining it.
I don’t want to constantly feel confused, like I can’t fully be myself or that I need to hide.

This is not much information but for anyone reading this and maybe feel the same or have felt the same I’d appreciate any feedback. This shouldn’t need to be an issue in today’s society.
This is just my little obsession. I can’t stop thinking about things once I first have made the decision to get an answer.

I’m the person that spends almost a year trying to find a song I suddenly thought about from years back but couldn’t even remember the lyrics or the melody for it. I only remembered the cover of the CD. No band name. I found it though.

~Kes

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