Happiness is a weird thing because it never seem to last.
That’s the thing about happiness, right?
It’s not supposed to last. We need our days where it’s not present.
Not because we want to but because it’s a part of our life.
There will always be losses, some more unfair than others, but we’re not made to live forever. As saddening and painful as it is death is still a part of being able to live.
There will be days where the happiness feels so far out of reach regardless of reason because the reasons is endless and a chapter for itself.
There will be days where happiness, sadness and anger seems to be changing every minute.
And there will be days where you feel happy constantly even though you know it won’t stay this way and this is where I personally struggle.
I can’t fully accept feeling happy because I know it can change in a matter of seconds.
Why bother allowing myself to feel happy when I know it will cause me to fall if I do?
I have my days or even week where I feel happy, positive, productive like never before and my motivation and view on the future makes me believe it’s possible to actually do the things I want, that failure is always an option and that it’s OK to actually feel confident in myself.
The realization that I can’t because everything costs ridiculous amounts of money, time and energy I don’t have comes crashing. I fall and can’t get up for days, weeks or months.
I’m basically terrified of feeling happyNo, I’m terrified of feeling anything other than neutral. Yeah, that sounds a little more correct.
I’m not an easy person to be around, to live with or one to show affection to for the lack of a better word and for that reason I often feel emotionally inept.
While I do have empathy and sympathy and understand the basic human emotions such as happiness, sadness, anger and fear I personally don’t know how to react to some of them.
Happiness, anger and fear is impossible not to feel in the right situations.
I smile and laugh a lot more than what some might think.
I get annoyed easily but angry is not something I can say I get often because I bottle it up until I can’t take it anymore. Not a good way of dealing with anger. It can often lead to a wish for having handled said situation differently.
Fear is one thing I’m not sure how to explain because it feels rather.. Obvious.
Sadness is where I get a little hypocritical.
There is nothing wrong with feeling sad and telling someone about it.
Crying or asking for help is not a weakness. It actually shows strength.
Yet, I’m unable to do that myself.
I can no longer remember the reason because it honestly don’t matter anymore but as a kid I was told to leave the room or stop crying around the person who told me that. I did.
I gradually shut down more and more until all I was able to show was anger.
I stopped telling people in general things. I lied. It was easier at the time.
I spiraled down in a depression and I never really physically told anyone about it. Even now, years later, no one really knows. I did seek professional help once but it only made me feel worse. No professional should ever utter the words “You do realize there is people feeling worse than you?”. It wasn’t worth my money after that.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to react to my own sadness. The last time I broke down in tears in front of a person I ended up hyperventilating and puking. That was years ago.
Now I just bottle it all up and wait until I know there’s no one around. Easier said than done.
I just know it’s time I need to work on these things. A change needs to be made.
I need to allow myself to feel happy and accept that it’s about the small moments.
I can’t do that without acknowledging that it won’t happen easily if I can’t allow myself to feel anything else.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this anymore.
I guess it’s a way of admitting that the facade I’ve kept for all these years is about to fall apart. I don’t have the energy to keep it up anymore. A fake smile won’t last forever.
I feared I’d erase all of this if I stopped writing to avoid openly admitting it.
Maybe I will eventually
Feeling happy yet unhappy at the same time can get a little confusing.
Is this what I want with me life? Do I deserve it?
Maybe a fresh start would change something? Maybe I’d be able to be myself without hiding parts of me?