Withering Away

For these past x-amount of years I have known that I’ve allowed myself to wither.
At first I just did not have the strength, physically or mentally, to do something to prevent it. I had nothing that made me want to prevent it.
No motivation, no willpower and no inspiration to pull me out of the pitch black hole I was stuck in. I spent all my energy on hiding the fact that I was struggling to everyone. I was too stubborn and scared to ask for help or tell anyone in general that I was just sinking deeper and deeper. Drowning.
This led to many choices I regret now. Choices I am ashamed of and I wouldn’t do again if I had the chance to go back in time.

Now, many years later, I regret not asking for help, keeping quiet about it and trying to pretend like there was nothing wrong. There’s many quotes that says it’s never too late. While there is some truth to it there’s the part of breaking what have become an integrated pattern. A habit.

It took many years to realize what it was that made me feel different. I couldn’t quite explain or understand it but I knew it in some way or another. I didn’t and I still don’t feel comfortable in the norms society seem to expect every individual to follow.
Considering today’s society has come a long way since I was a kid I hope it’s easier for the younger generation to be themselves. There’s still a long way to go thanks to people who makes being open difficult by ridiculing everything and even if I can’t say for sure it feels like there are many ‘facts’ out in the world because of close-minded and hateful human beings. No one is perfect but I’ve always wished that a basic amount of respect is given at any time. Having different opinions, religion and culture doesn’t mean it’s impossible to respect someone. Accept that there are differences and respect each others views. It’s not a perfect system but it can work.

Feeling like you have to hide part of yourself or completely act like someone else is painful. It’s draining. It’s stressful. It’s.. Difficult to be open the longer you hide especially when you have depended on lies, fear and listening to people you thought you knew laugh at, make fun of and basically end it all with “It was just a joke”, “I just wanted to see how you reacted” and “There’s no reason to get angry”.

I’ve slowly pushed myself to be more open. To speak my mind regardless of the result even if it means I’ll be cut out of people’s lives. and to listen to my body and mind because I’m still withering.

My weight has always been low but after some years I finally was able to gain a few pounds. In less than a year I lost nearly 11 pounds. Other than eating more there has been no change in my diet and my sleeping pattern is as normal as it can be from shift work.

Working out on a daily basis is something I’m trying to get used to as well even though that plan failed once I got some time off from work. I’ve honestly spent more time on sleeping, eating and watching movies. I fear going back to work will mess up that plan even more since I’ll be working 10 days in a row.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with all of this but having one positive thing to look forward to every day is something I’ve realized is needed for me personally.
I tried to look forward to when I was done at work but that’s not really positive at all. If you constantly count down the hours until your day at work is over there is something wrong. There will be days where you can’t wait to get home for one reason or another but wanting to get home just because you don’t want to stay at work anymore shouldn’t be a reason.

Wanting to get home to spend time with your SO, pets, family, the list is endless, is always a good reason.
I might be socially awkward but I’d personally want a reason to look forward to a day off where  I could do something I want by myself but an apartment don’t clean itself, the pets can’t feed themselves and once all of that is done I have little time for hobbies. I don’t even have kids and I struggle to find time for stuff that needs to get done. Not to mention money..

I’m not sure how much I can handle but what I do know is that my mental state is close to get ripped to pieces. Maybe that’s a good thing.
Different day, same sh*t. It feels like I push a Repeat Button every night because I can’t remember anything new happening for several years. I can’t even remember what I did two days ago most of the time.

Mountain hiking, traveling to new places, meeting new people or people you’ve wanted to meet, trying something new, acquiring new skills and feeling like you’ve done something worth remembering or looking forward to is things I consider positive things. I’ve only done two of those for these past 4 years.

Something needs to change but it can’t happen before I start dealing with the underlying issues. Depression and identity issues is just the obvious causes.

Not really sure what more I can write because the reason for why I began writing this got lost 800 words ago.

Don’t ignore or suppress parts of yourself. It’s never worth it. Reach out and ask for help if needed.

~Kes.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s