Chained, broken and unloved

I have no place to call home

Just broken dreams

And a disturbed reality

 

I feel dead inside

My smile and laughter

It’s paid for and fake

 

Without this or that

In my current life

It might be fear

Panic and disbelief

I’m tired of pretending

The act and the ignorance

 

I’d blame the time-zone

But it’s the people I can’t stand

I want to run

Disappear and start again

 

These lies are falling apart

I’m running out of excuses

Or the obvious bullshit

That I’m forced to maintain

 

This is not who I am

 

 

 

 

 

 

Same Sh*t, Different Day.

Where do I start?

What do I write?

It’s been such a long month.

Physically I’m a mess.

Mentally I’m withering away.

I’m exhausted.

The normal excuses don’t work.

Who’d believe a walking corpse?

I fought. I crawled.

This is not what I wanted.

This is not what I planned.

The smiles are fake.

The society is at blame.

“How are you doing?” you might ask.

I’ll just say “I’m OK”.

I’m good. I’m fine.

It’s not my life anyway.

I’ll keep pretending until I get taken away.

Acceptance should be easy.

I’m an illness to some.

A joke to others.

And an attention seeker for the rest.

I did not ask for this body.

This name or this life.

I just want to be me.

Whoever that might be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chained, Broken and Unloved

I feel broken and alone.
No words are left untold.
We’re meant to be.
Or is it all a lie?
This is nothing but a thought.

I force myself to believe.
This reality is just a dream.
Happy thoughts.
What’s wrong with me?

It’s beginning to sink in.
I chained my soul.
I’m broken not unloved.
I want to be free.

It’s all too surreal.
A never-ending dream.
I can’t even scream.
I need to break free.
Let this be a dream

I Want to Live.

Human as a species seem to have a strong survival instinct. It’s not really a bad thing. I’m not religious so the life we have is something we should try to cherish because it’s the only life we’re given but that’s just my personal opinion.

I’m not good at living. I’ve survived and fought my way to get where I am today just like so many others. Whether it is because of mental or physical causes or even because of war. The list of reasons is long. Living is sometime not an option if surviving one day at a time is enough of a battle.

I’ve had the luxury of sitting down to reflect on the choices I’ve done, why I chose to handle various situations the way I did and why I still seem to survive more than I actually live.

My conclusion: I need to do some changes.
I want to live. I want to feel free and not chained down.

I’m not sure if I know how to live anymore.
There’s so many things I want to do, places I want to see, changed I need to make and people I’ve been lucky enough to get to know through various communities I’d like to meet.
This is what makes me cling on simply surviving. It all cost money. If I only survive I can use that as an excuse. I can blame not having money. I can blame on not being able to save up money because even surviving is expensive.

So I’ll be making a Bucket List and I’ll even add it on this blog as a reminder to myself that there’s more in life than just money. I can choose to live. I can choose who or what in my life that cause me happiness and try to eliminate the things that try to push me down.

The first step in that I fear is being open to the people I care about and the ones I know will support me.
There’s some irony in all of this and probably the reason for why I feel like I live in the wrong time zone or want a fresh start all the time.
The ones I’ve been lucky enough to get to know through the various communities is the ones I trust the most. While some might necessarily not agree or share the same view as I do I still get the same amount of respect as I give them. I’m still treated like a human being.

I’d like to thank you all for that.
There’s a few I’d like to name but I won’t. You know who you are. I’ve known some of you for years and some still only for months but I surely hope it won’t change any time soon.

And thank you all who follows this blog or have pressed that like button. It means a lot to me. Thank you for allowing me to be me. Thank you for not judging.
Thank you.

The reason why I want a fresh start is not because I hate my life to the point where just erasing my past and cut all connections to it. I fear it’s something a lot more simple. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to see people walk out of my life for wanting to be myself. There will always be someone who don’t like me or even respect my choices but knowing that basically everyone I live close to, family members or co-workers won’t understand because I’ve stayed silent for so long won’t believe me or show any support makes me continue to hide. I might be given support or have them accept it but some will laugh because of lack of knowledge or simply because they don’t share the same view.

Just because I was born with some body parts and a paper who makes it a ‘fact’ in today’s society it doesn’t mean I feel comfortable with it. It doesn’t necessarily mean that’s all I am and it certainly doesn’t mean I need to act the ‘proper’ way said paper says I should just because it makes it easier and more comfortable for those who think I’m a joke.

I always try to give the same amount or more when it comes to respect, kindness and support I’m given and I will never stop doing that. If the day comes and I stop showing all of those things it will be the day I’ll never forgive myself. It would no longer me a version of me I could recognize.

~Kes

Sleep Deprivation: A Forced Issue.

Like the title explain I’ve caused myself to become sleep deprived.

I’m no doctor but willingly forcing oneself to go days, weeks or even years without enough sleep can’t be good for the body.

Why would I do something stupid as shortening my sleep down to a maximum of 4 hours a night?

While I physically will perform worse at work and in any physical situation, I noticed it just after a day, my mental state improved. The first day was the worst and  I only planned for it to be that one day. One day where dreams No, one day where it didn’t feel like I was reaching my limit. One day where I didn’t have to feel anything.

While I laugh and smile and feel like I can understand why I do that. It’s either forced or honest. Feeling angry, frustrated is also something I can understand.
Sadness, anger, fear and anything related to those.

I know what it is and what it means in form of feeling it but that itself terrifies me.
I don’t know how to cope with those emotions. I bottle it up until there’s no other way than to allow all of it to flow out of control.
Anxiety, embarrassment, weakness. Those are my first thoughts.
I’ve had times where it made me throw up, have a black hole where those memories should exist.

These are the words I used to a dear friend.

Suppressing emotions and being utterly terrified of allowing me to go through whatever it might be. I bottle up anger and frustration until I explode which means I’ll say things I’ve wanted to say for a long time but in a more extreme way and with the wrong words.I feel emotionally inept. I don’t allow myself to feel happy for long period of times because I fear that I will hit rock bottom once something happens. I suppress the sadness aspect of emotions when I’m face to face to people. I only realized yesterday how inept I am on that aspect. I go to great lengths to not break down in front of people. I’d rather bottle it up until no ones around.

 

It’s easier to write it down.

These are words no person have heard me utter. I’m not even sure I’d be able to face the ones who knew. I’d feel like an open book.

It’s easier to hide aspects of yourself when no one knows they exist regardless of what the reason might be.

~Kes.

Life with Chronic Pain

Important:

While chronic pain is quite an easy thing to understand in terms of what it means it does not mean it’s the same for everyone. It’s pain that never disappears and if it does it’s never for long.
Every individual will experience it differently. Every individual will have different causes for it. Several individuals can in theory suffer from the same causes for the pain and have the same issues related to it. It’s possible to relate to one another but how they experience it will never be the same.
I will try to give one (probably bad) example: If three individuals have chronic pain, the same triggers, the same symptoms and the pain is located in the back for all three it does not mean they experience the pain in the same way. The pain is only felt by one person. It can be explained, related to but not compared.  The threshold of pain felt by one person can vary over time. Depending on how long you’ve had to live with the pain you’re dealing with the longer you’ve often had to learn how to deal with it. Some ignore it as much as possible, some accept it and find ways to make the pain as bearable as possible and some ends up bedridden. There’s many more examples but I don’t feel comfortable going into detail in those since I personally seem to switch between the three I mentioned.

Did it make any sense? Probably not.

My Life with Chronic Pain:

The chronic pain in my situation started almost 10 years ago. I thought it would go away and ignored it until it started affecting me physically and mentally.

It took me years to realize how much it affected me. I became depressed, I shut myself in my own little bubble and avoided people. I ended up with social anxiety.
I’m still working on those. It might never fully go away again but that’s alright. I’m aware of the signals now. I listen to my body and try to push myself when I can. We all have ups and downs. We all have days where we don’t want to be around people. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as we don’t let those thoughts and feeling devour us and eventually be the thing that control us and our daily life.

I’d pay a great amount of money which I don’t have to get a life without pain and full mobility of my body but at the same time I’m afraid of the day it might happen if the doctors and specialists find the cause of it. I feel and fear I’d lose a part of myself I’ve learned to accept. I fear I’d lose more than half of my identity if I lost that part of me. I’ve fought for years to be believed when I said I was in constant pain. It took almost 7 years until someone believed me and for blood relatives to not think I was exaggerating. “You need to eat more/right”, “You need to sleep less/more”, “You need stop being negative”, “If you only did this and not that”. The list is endless and I can only hope others experienced less of that or not experienced it at all.

Being Positive and Motivated:

I need to stay positive and motivated as much as possible.

I have chronic pain but even with what I stated above I will not let the pain control my life. I will listen to my body and relax when needed but I will not let it fully control my daily life.

I intend to work for as long as my body possibly will allow me in a job that I enjoy around co-workers that I adore. I accept that there will be days where I don’t feel life my ‘normal’ self but it does not mean I will like it but I need to accept it.

Today my boss told me something I don’t hear often or not at all.

Considering the pain I go through and how low I can get on bad days my boss never cease to be impressed by how positive I remain, how much motivation I show and my determination.

If I just accepted that the pain limits me I’d lose my mind. I’m still capable of working so being without job would make me feel worthless. This is probably not healthy in the long run though. I’ve made it my personal mission to prove, not only for me but to others, that you can work yourself up the ladder. You can do anything you set your mind to (some lines of work requires an education for a reason) without an education if you only show the ones around you what you’re capable of without pushing yourself. Don’t aim too high but don’t aim too low either.

What I’m trying to say, I guess, is that with our without chronic pain, illness or no illness, you are who you are because of you as an individual. How you think and what you do is what makes you special. Your experience and view. There’s only one YOU. Don’t chance unless it’s a change you want. Only you knows how to be you even if it takes time.

~Kes.

(1 hour later) Fun Update:

My back ironically decided this was the right time to act up. Just before it was time to sleep when I needed the rest before work. I will still work my butt off at work (hopefully not literally since I kinda need that part to keep clothes on and somewhat fitting). This is something I’m used to. The culprit is muscle knots. The muscle knots cause pressure to my spine (nothing serious and it is something weekly physical therapy can fix) which often, not always, makes it feel difficult to breathe. Not sure how to explain it but it makes the muscles unable to relax and some areas those muscles affects the breathing. It makes it feel like I can’t breathe but I can and I am aware of it. While I can breathe I’m not able to use the full capacity of my lungs to take a breath. Still, nothing seriously. I just waste a little more energy on breathing and trying to take a deep breath. Nothing a little extra rest can’t fix.
It’s the small things. This is my daily life. This is something I go through on a weekly, even daily, basis. I notice the pain more but it’s still acceptable. I can still function. I can still work but not as effective as normal. I have to focus on not pushing myself over the limit and to not give in to the frustration. It’s my pain and my fight. I don’t want to drag others down. I don’t want to affect them. It’s not their fault. It’s not my fault. It’s just the way it is. This is where self-irony comes in. This is where my protective side shows. I don’t want other people, doesn’t matter if I know them or not, to feel this. Lifting wrong? Stressing too much? I’d rather be the one that does that means you won’t.
It’s not healthy, it’s not smart and it’s not helping my case but it’s a choice I’ve made.
I have so many ideas for my sort of job. Some many things that could help heavy lifts but I don’t have the ability to make those ideas real. I need help but most of all I need a professional to confirm that those ideas will be of help and not cause harm.
Ideas are just that. Ideas. Ideas cost money to create.
For it to be any beneficial to a work place it needs to be cost effective and worth the money without making workers pay for it (losing their jobs).
The idea(s) I have is not something I want to affect peoples job in such a way.
Take a warehouse employee as an example. If there is three workers and two of those workers were to be laid off as a result of said idea the idea would no longer be effective. It would double the workload for said worker even with the idea at hir’s disposal. The idea is to help with heavy lifts. To lessen the strain on their body.

I hope this makes sense. It probably won’t. Maybe the point I was trying to make still shows? Who knows. I’ll leave it up to you.

My Future, Fear and Motivation.

After writing the last blog post, Afraid to Face the Truth, I had to take some days to recollect my thoughts, try to see things differently and basically just look for some positive things in certain aspects I usually feel give me no future gains.

The conclusion is that I’m holding myself back because I’m afraid of failure.

The truth is that I will spend my entire life figuring out who I am. I will learn new things about myself every day and worrying about learning something I did not expect to realize is not a bad thing. It’s just a part of being lucky enough to have the privilege of living on this planet.

I’ve avoided further education because the ‘dream job’ I’ve always wanted was something I believed was out of grasp. I didn’t even bother to do any research such as checking options and honestly just looking what sort of education it required and how many years it would it would take me to be fully educated.

Now, in less than a week I’ll be seeing a career counselor to check my options for starting the education this year, how much it would cost me. Everything related to the education I want.

I will still have to work 4-6 days a week which is something I fear will affect my motivation for studying. I know from experience that I eventually end up focusing on earning money instead of bothering about studies.
I have no options for obtaining a student loan or scholarship. I need to pay for everything myself and I’m prepared to do that. My worry is that I won’t get enough money to do that for at least another one to two years.
I want and need this time to be different. I’m three to four years away from getting an education in a field I’ve wanted for years. Maybe even my own company within that field but that’s an option I will keep on the shelf for now.
I can even use said education and future knowledge in said field and add it to the story I’m working on which I’ve avoided because of several factors which I will explain later if it’s something you as a reader would like to know. It’s honestly rather boring.

For now I will just take each day as it comes and make the best out of it.

I will have my ups and downs, days where I just want to give up and days where I feel I can reach the skies and thoughts I don’t want to deal with and bury instead.

I want to finish this education. I want the job it would give me.
I’ve thought long about it and without really realizing it before last doc/physiologist appointment I had a little under a month ago.

I’ve always wanted to have a job where I could help people or animals. Veterinarian is something I thought I wanted. A doctor and even a psychologist.

I don’t want a job where I’d have to sit in a office x-amount of hours a day and only do paperwork. It’s not my style. I need something practical. Something that makes me feel useful.

Making new limbs to people who lost one or was born without it is what I want.
My dream job is to become a orthopedics technician and to be known in that field.
I want such to be affordable for everyone in need for it without having the quality lowered. But for now I need to focus on taking one step at a time.

I don’t want to aim too high. The fall would not only break my spirit but my will to ever take another step in that direction again.

 

Afraid to Face the Truth

I’m running. I’m hiding.

The bad habits of mine is nothing but a distraction. A poisonous one.

I’m suffocating myself by avoiding the truth.

I smile and laugh.

I joke and act like nothing.

I can’t make myself speak the words.

.. But maybe I can write them.

I’m happy yet unhappy.

I fear a relapse worse than a few bad habits.

I have achieved nothing in my life.

All my dreams. The few I still have.

The rest is nightmares.

Who am I?

I’m not speaking of the meaning of life or my purpose in this, in my life.

I just want to feel useful. To feel like I’ve done some good to this world.

No matter how small it is.

To make someone smile, laugh or feel some joy even if it’s just for a couple of minutes.

Who am I?

Well, here’s what I know.

I’m a Scandinavian. I’m genderqueer. I adore sci-fi and fantasy as a genre. I want to make prostheses which works just as good or better than ‘normal’ limbs. I want the technology to be at that exact point where we can connect robotic limbs to a person.

I’m happy yet unhappy.

I’m avoiding issues, I shut down under pressure or if I feel overwhelmed by pressure or just stress in general.

I want to cry. I want to scream.

I have no voice of my own because I don’t know how to use it.  I’m afraid to use it because I dislike my own voice.

I dislike my body. I dislike most aspects of myself.

But in the end it doesn’t matter.

I can always improve.

I’m just lost in the rabbit hole. My own personal hell.

I’d carry the pain of the world if I could.

For just some happiness in return.

I’ve run out of words.

I’m sorry.

~Kes.

Gender Identity: Personal View

You guessed it, another blog post about this.

Now, I want to give you as a reader a hopefully more clear image of my ‘situation’. A way to see things from my personal perspective because no matter how much I try to see it from two sides there’s always a third side that I never can view it from in this case.

This name which I’m considering changing a little. Instead of KesterMuiredac (the current one) and I’m considering KestersSomething or SomethingKester. If you have a name you think would fit I’m more than open to ideas.
I’ve mentioned it before but this name is a pseudonym but at the same time it’s not. Kester is a name I’ve wanted to use as my legal name, my real name, for a long time.
It’s not that much different from my legal name but it’s different enough for blood relatives, friends and generally people who have known me for years.

I’ve come out in one aspect. I like a person first and foremost based on personality.
For me it’s not what in a persons pants or identity in general. The first thing I notice is a persons eyes, smile and personality. While I came out as bisexual I also discovered that sex and gender just didn’t matter.

Why do I want to legally change my name? Do I want to transition? (What) do I want to change anything? Is there parts of me that I want to change? Do anyone of my blood relatives, friends or my SO know? How does it affect me?

Feel free to ask any question you might be curious about. I will answer everything except revealing my real name or where I live.

I want to change my legal name because even though I’m used to being called by it and I respond when someone call me it without any correction it makes me cringe. It makes me feel like crap and it feels like a punch in the stomach.
No, I don’t feel the need to transition (ftm) but I would like to find a way to look more neutral, more androgynous, without surgery. I feel like it would make me happier and make me feel more like me.
Yes, there are things about my body I’d like to change:

  • Breasts: I’d like smaller. I don’t feel uncomfortable having breasts but at the same time I don’t want them to be visible.
  • Being sterilized: I have nothing against kids but I can’t see myself being a parent for various reasons. Some of it because I fear that it might inherit my genes and end up with scoliosis, bad sight and the list goes on and the rest is because I personally never really wanted a kid of my own. I might think of it but just a few seconds later I ask myself why I’d want one.
  • Nose: I’ve never liked my nose. I guess ‘potato’ nose is what I could call it. It’s not too much of an issue but I’ve always wanted to get rid of that part.
  •  Lips: I want my bottom lip to be smaller. I’m not even sure if it’s possible so if you have any information or done it yourself I’d appreciate any feedback.  I don’t feel like I have big lips and I honestly like the fact that I don’t. The issue is my lower lip. Its ‘lines’ are bigger than my upper lip and I truly dislike it. My lips have always been like that but it have been bothering me more and more over the years.

No, as much as it saddens me there is no one in my circle of blood relatives, friends, even my SO, that knows how I feel about my body or my gender identity. While I know some would be very open-minded and supportive I know that others would almost laugh when or if I told. If I said that wanted to transition I’m quite certain that I’d receive more understanding and support compared to telling them how I feel because it can sound confusing. It makes me feel like a joke. Like what I feel don’t matter.

While I don’t mind having a biological female body I would like those traits less visible like I mentioned earlier in this blog post. I also prefer being called by male pronouns over female pronouns. I’d like more muscles on my body because I feel like even that would be a step to looking more neutral.

This is all for now.

Thank you for reading.

~Kes

 

Pride and Shame: The Journey

As a somewhat anonymous person writing things for the entire world to read I’m not like this out in the real world. This persona is a reflection of who I wish I was and who I want to become. This is who I am even though this is the only place I can be myself. Hidden.

As a kid while I still was rather easy to manipulate and project opinions and views I still was quiet and shy. I can’t remember how my personality was. I do vaguely remember that I didn’t mind socializing. Being around people, visiting friends. It took me a while to get rid of the worst shyness but once that was done I could talk and run around like nothing.
As a kid I was raised in the stereotypical ‘girls play with dolls and like pink’ and ‘boys play with cars and like every color that exist’.
While I don’t have many memories except from the ones I’ve been told in later years. I guess I had a phase where I only wanted pink things which might be the reason I don’t like that color much anymore.The thought of that still makes me cringe.  I had a pink bedroom.
What I do remember clearly is how much I enjoyed being able to play with cars, TMNT, Sonic the Hedgehog and video games in general.
This alone doesn’t mean much but it made me feel like an outcast. I never got along well with girls in general. I still felt more comfortable around males. It made me feel like I could be anything.
Being raised in someones image can cause issues. It made me feel uncomfortable in my own body. I’m a female at birth. Dress, high heels, makeup, big breasts and a slim body. That is the image I feel I have been raised to believe was normal. How I was supposed to act like.

I felt even more uncomfortable in later years. Like I didn’t belong and that there was something wrong with me. How I was raised still had a grip around me. Holding me back and still making me feel like an outcast.
I had my first silly crush, a female teacher. I had my first kiss, another female. I
I never thought much about it until a few years later.
I’ve always had an issue with the male anatomy. I thought it looked unnatural and still think that. At least the lower part. I’m not sure why I’ve always thought that. I don’t mind it but there’s something about it that I can’t explain.
I was also given the impression that showing emotions, which is retrospect contradict almost everything I was raised to believe, is a sign of weakness. Being told to go to another room for just that cause did not help and eventually I was seen as heartless in certain situations. All I did and still do is to remain neutral regardless of how every part of me feels like tearing apart.

These lies needs to end. This fake smile, the constant optimist and the never-ending excuses. There’s a limit to everything.

I think I have hit mine. I can no longer maintain the cracks and missing pieces I have caused upon myself. I’m breaking apart faster than I can repair the pieces.

I’ve cut or is in the process of cutting out every thing I’ve felt I needed on a daily basis. Nicotine and caffeine. I’ve learned that it isn’t the effect itself I’ve needed. Another thing I’m considering is parts of myself. Not sure how I’ll remove those part without it being to obvious. How do I erase what most people consider my entire personality?

How am I doing?
I’m not doing well. I feel stuck. I feel sad. I’m in pain. A physical pain I haven’t felt in years. Maybe the caffeine and nicotine has kept the worst of it hidden by giving me more energy on a daily basis.
When I’m not at work I sleep. I sleep a lot. I don’t feel hungry most of the time.
I haven’t dared to think of how I am doing mentally. I’d rather avoid it for now.

I’m stubborn, I’ll get through this.
I always do.

No more labels. I’m just me. I am who I am and like who I like.