Going Back in Time

I could spend hours and even days and months on thinking.

Thinking about what I could have done different.
All the ‘What If’ questions.

Thinking about what I could have said differently.
All the regrets for ‘why’ and the wishes of ‘if I just said..’

Thinking about how my life could have been.
If I just had been honest.
If I just asked for help.
If I just didn’t hide.

If I just didn’t lock away parts of myself.
If I just didn’t fear it.

I just want a new name.
A life to call my own.

A chance to live without chains.



Chained, broken and unloved

I have no place to call home

Just broken dreams

And a disturbed reality


I feel dead inside

My smile and laughter

It’s paid for and fake


Without this or that

In my current life

It might be fear

Panic and disbelief

I’m tired of pretending

The act and the ignorance


I’d blame the time-zone

But it’s the people I can’t stand

I want to run

Disappear and start again


These lies are falling apart

I’m running out of excuses

Or the obvious bullshit

That I’m forced to maintain


This is not who I am







Same Sh*t, Different Day.

Where do I start?

What do I write?

It’s been such a long month.

Physically I’m a mess.

Mentally I’m withering away.

I’m exhausted.

The normal excuses don’t work.

Who’d believe a walking corpse?

I fought. I crawled.

This is not what I wanted.

This is not what I planned.

The smiles are fake.

The society is at blame.

“How are you doing?” you might ask.

I’ll just say “I’m OK”.

I’m good. I’m fine.

It’s not my life anyway.

I’ll keep pretending until I get taken away.

Acceptance should be easy.

I’m an illness to some.

A joke to others.

And an attention seeker for the rest.

I did not ask for this body.

This name or this life.

I just want to be me.

Whoever that might be.







Chained, Broken and Unloved

I feel broken and alone.
No words are left untold.
We’re meant to be.
Or is it all a lie?
This is nothing but a thought.

I force myself to believe.
This reality is just a dream.
Happy thoughts.
What’s wrong with me?

It’s beginning to sink in.
I chained my soul.
I’m broken not unloved.
I want to be free.

It’s all too surreal.
A never-ending dream.
I can’t even scream.
I need to break free.
Let this be a dream

Updates about the Story.

Another update again, really?
What is it now, you might ask.

For now I’ve deleted the blog for the story.
I’ve chosen to do this for two reasons.

  1.  I felt that this blog and the one for the story were too connected.
  2. I’ve decided to go under another name, closer to my real name story wise.

This way there will be no obvious connection between these two and in case my paranoia turns into reality this blog will still be safe.

The name of it will still be the same. Just under another account that’s separated from this.

A Shadow on Earth

I’m a shadow.
I once spent months gaining my visibility.
Only to forget it all.
I spent years learning long forgotten skills.
I used years to regain my mind and soul.
Where I’m from and where I belong.
I used to think, I used to believe.
I’m breathing and thinking.
There must be a purpose.
I exist.

The shadows are everywhere.
Some don’t believe.
Some unable to see.

I was a shadow.
I found a broken shape.
The one I walk in now.
How long will I stay?
My shape caused confusion.
It made me lose my peace.
It made me feel broken.
When will I heal?
I’ve walked long, I walked far.

I first couldn’t see.
I chose to not believe.
A shadow in the sight.

The broken shape.
I hold no grudge.
Though, it’s quite the toll.
It takes time to adjust.
A shape and its eyes.
Even a different mind.
It will forever be broken.
The strings stay unattached.

The shape is one of many.
I can finally see and believe.
A shadow in the light.

I’ve learned to accept.
The shape and its fears.
The curtain is slowly fading.
It’s my job to attach its peace.
It needs to feel free.
A cage will only make it worse.
Cooperation is the key.

A shadow without a shape.
It’s a terrifying endless night.
No sun, no light.

My shape won’t last forever.
It accepted early.
A shape is not meant to last.
It doesn’t work like that.
A shape is made for knowledge.
Hope and dreams.

A shadow can live forever.
But not without a shape.
The darkness corrupts.

My time will come.
Time flies by.
It’s time to rewind the time.
I’m a shadow in a shape.
Forever in a loop.

Restart or rewind.
It’s the shape that decides.
It’s never too broken.
It just needs the light

I fear no more.
I am at peace.
I won’t be remembered and that’s fine by me.

I will walk endlessly.
From one shape to another.
Just with new eyes.
I’m a shadow that walk this Earth.

I’ll Carry it All: The Weight and Pain.

The world is crumbling all around me.
The light is slowly being swallowed.
The hope and joy is just facade.
A way to cope.

Run. Hide. Disappear.
I need to get away.
I need a fresh start.

It’s hard to breathe.
It’s hard to eat.
Sleep is a nightmare.
All to maintain the mask.

Run.Hide. Disappear.
I need to get away.

I want to smile for real.
I want to see a future.
I want to live like myself.
Only because I chose to hide.

Run.Hide. Disappear.

A mirror with a face.
I can’t recognize the eyes.
A constructed self.
It’s just a shadow.


I want to be free.
I don’t want to hide.
I don’t know who I am.
I can’t be myself.


If I can’t be myself.
I can’t belong.
There is no acceptance.
I’m just a shadow of my former self.

Not Human At All

Don’t blame me for the things I’ve done.
I only did what I knew was wrong.
Walk away if you want to show a weaker side.
I did what I was told.
I walked away.
If I only knew better.
I died that day.
What’s wrong?
Nothing, I said.
Why are you mad?
I’m not, I said.
Talk. I know there’s something wrong.
There’s nothing wrong, I said. Don’t make me walk away.
You act like a machine.
Not human at all.
You never smile.
Why don’t you go outside?
I did, I lied.
I walked for quite a while.
Did you walk alone?
No was my reply.
It’s all lies.
All because the eyes.

How are you doing?
I’m doing well, I said.
I know you’re lying.
Why tell a lie when I have nothing to hide?
You act like a machine.
Not human at all.
Thank you, I said, with a smile on my face.
Why do you keep doing this to yourself? It is not you at all.
I just smiled.
I don’t know who I am.
I never smile nor do I cry.
No weakness, no strength.

What’s wrong?
Such a silly question, I said, nothing is wrong. Why do you ask?
You’ve become contained.
I just walked away.
People are worried I heard someone said.
You never smile.
You look scared.
Like you’ve got something you try to hide.
Maybe, I said, but you don’t need to worry.
I can see the pain. Don’t hide behind a smile.
Talk to me.
I want to help.

How can you help? How can you listen?
I don’t believe you.
This smile of mine.
This mask.
Why do I hide?

Your voice, your view.
Don’t speak lies.
I know what you think.
I know who you judge.

I’d lose you if I removed the smile.

© Kester Muiredac/Val Vladicvik (Same person, different name).

I wrote this piece years ago. Some changes has been done but the message is basically the same. Depression, identity, anxiety and fear. It’s all triggered by something


Virtue to vice.
A forbidden lullaby at night.
Living a life that’s not mine.
Eliminating voices in my mind.
Night and day.
The one who lives to fall.
I despise it all.
Never felt human on this earth, it’s built on lies.
Enduring until the day I die.


©Kester Muiredac/Valentine Vladicvik (Same person, different name.

A piece I wrote around three years ago.

Unnamed Lyrics Project

There’s a demon inside of me

Waiting for the day

Waiting for the time

For it to break free

Chained but in control

There’s a demon inside


Wishing for its release

It wants to be free

A project I’m currently working on.
If you like it and want to use it for your own project feel free to do it.
All I can ask for is a link to the finished product and if I’m lucky maybe even a copy of it?