My Future, Fear and Motivation.

After writing the last blog post, Afraid to Face the Truth, I had to take some days to recollect my thoughts, try to see things differently and basically just look for some positive things in certain aspects I usually feel give me no future gains.

The conclusion is that I’m holding myself back because I’m afraid of failure.

The truth is that I will spend my entire life figuring out who I am. I will learn new things about myself every day and worrying about learning something I did not expect to realize is not a bad thing. It’s just a part of being lucky enough to have the privilege of living on this planet.

I’ve avoided further education because the ‘dream job’ I’ve always wanted was something I believed was out of grasp. I didn’t even bother to do any research such as checking options and honestly just looking what sort of education it required and how many years it would it would take me to be fully educated.

Now, in less than a week I’ll be seeing a career counselor to check my options for starting the education this year, how much it would cost me. Everything related to the education I want.

I will still have to work 4-6 days a week which is something I fear will affect my motivation for studying. I know from experience that I eventually end up focusing on earning money instead of bothering about studies.
I have no options for obtaining a student loan or scholarship. I need to pay for everything myself and I’m prepared to do that. My worry is that I won’t get enough money to do that for at least another one to two years.
I want and need this time to be different. I’m three to four years away from getting an education in a field I’ve wanted for years. Maybe even my own company within that field but that’s an option I will keep on the shelf for now.
I can even use said education and future knowledge in said field and add it to the story I’m working on which I’ve avoided because of several factors which I will explain later if it’s something you as a reader would like to know. It’s honestly rather boring.

For now I will just take each day as it comes and make the best out of it.

I will have my ups and downs, days where I just want to give up and days where I feel I can reach the skies and thoughts I don’t want to deal with and bury instead.

I want to finish this education. I want the job it would give me.
I’ve thought long about it and without really realizing it before last doc/physiologist appointment I had a little under a month ago.

I’ve always wanted to have a job where I could help people or animals. Veterinarian is something I thought I wanted. A doctor and even a psychologist.

I don’t want a job where I’d have to sit in a office x-amount of hours a day and only do paperwork. It’s not my style. I need something practical. Something that makes me feel useful.

Making new limbs to people who lost one or was born without it is what I want.
My dream job is to become a orthopedics technician and to be known in that field.
I want such to be affordable for everyone in need for it without having the quality lowered. But for now I need to focus on taking one step at a time.

I don’t want to aim too high. The fall would not only break my spirit but my will to ever take another step in that direction again.

 

Updates about the Story.

Another update again, really?
What is it now, you might ask.

For now I’ve deleted the blog for the story.
I’ve chosen to do this for two reasons.

  1.  I felt that this blog and the one for the story were too connected.
  2. I’ve decided to go under another name, closer to my real name story wise.

This way there will be no obvious connection between these two and in case my paranoia turns into reality this blog will still be safe.

The name of it will still be the same. Just under another account that’s separated from this.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year to all of you lovely people and I hope this year will give you more joy, happiness and laughs than the last year.

I’m not really into the whole idea about New Years resolutions and for that reason I never had one expect that one I had to write while I was still in school. My New Year resolution that year was to never write one or just generally mention one ever again.

I have no doubt that this year will be more or less identical to last year.
I’ll still get one year older.
I still need to go to work x-amount of days a week, every week.
My body will still work against me..
I will still wish that I wouldn’t need to hide my identity, who I am and how I feel.
I will without a doubt still feel fatigued 24/7.

I will still do my best to make people laugh and smile.
I will still do everything in my power to somehow make this year better, even just for a second, for people I know and people don’t know.
I will still be working on the story and try to get one or two days a week scheduled for blogging.
I will still feel like a joke around close minded people.
And maybe, just maybe, I finally will be heard and believed by the doctors and specialist when I say that my body is causing me pain, I do feel fatigued, it does cause me sleepless night and it does cause a toll on my body when I’m forced to have a highly physical and stressful job to be able to pay my bills, mortgage, food and other expenses such as doctor appointments.

The changes that I know will happen this year without a New Years resolution is that I will quit my nicotine habit, cut down on my caffeine habit and the apartment will continue to be renovated.

To you who read this blog regardless of whether or not it will be just this one time or as a follower. Thank you.
I do check your blog and I will continue to check the blogs of every new follower and every person who click that like button.
I also need to get better on following your blogs. There are some blogs I won’t follow and it’s not because I don’t like said blog. Some are focusing purely on makeup products (SFX not included) and such. These I won’t follow for one reason only,I don’t wear makeup. If you blog about food, DIY’s, things meant to motivate and inspire, daily struggles, identity etc I will almost guaranteed follow your blog. I just need kick my lazy butt into gear and start hitting that Follow button.

~Kes.

 

Work, Secrets and Smiles.

Lately work has made days feel like weeks. Especially this week and the week still isn’t over. It’s only Wednesday after all.
Next week might get a lot better. I might finally allow my body to relax. Allow my mind to relax. That’s only if I get those days off work. I’ll probably dread that phone call that tells me that a co-worker is sick or that they need help.

I just need days off without being scared of a phone call. Days off where I don’t have to think about work, about work questions being asked. Just days to regain my energy to the chronic peak of 80%.

I’m lucky though. I still can work. I can still get dressed, I can still work and not be physically restricted to my body other than a constant low energy level.

I can control my anxiety enough that it don’t affect my work or other things like grocery shopping.

My energy has allowed me to work, sleep and household chores that I can’t just put on hold until I have the strength for it.

Keeping part of myself a secret at all times also drain me, smiling even when all I want is to scream and also making sure the mask I wear won’t show how I really feel inside.

I’d be telling lies if I told you that I’m constantly happy, that my motivation to write never leaves or that my demons is all in the past.

I’d rather focus on the good things because if I allow myself to stay in the rabbit hole for too long it will devour me and I don’t dare to think how long it will take for me to crawl up that hole again. While the negative thoughts is always present all I intend to do with it is to accept it, to use it for motivation and to keep it as a reminder.

I don’t want to fall without a fight. Even if I have to crawl while the weight of it tries to break me.

I just need to learn to listen to my body’s limit instead of ignoring it and pushing my limits constantly. I’ve never been good at listening to my body. I feel like I need to prove that even with a broken body most things is possible.

I just don’t want others, you lovely people, to do that to your own bodies or mind.

Don’t push your limits if you know you’ll be stuck in bed for days after.

 

~Kes.

 

Story Update.

For a long time I’ve wanted to add one aspect to the story but I’ve always decided to wait and to think some more because I worried about future reactions from potential readers I have finally decided to add said aspect.

I always worry about offending readers. I want to keep as neutral as possible while writing the story my way but the result has always been the same. I stopped working on the story. I postpone it too much and for too long. I’ve finally come to realize that it’s because of the simple fact that I’ve been afraid of writing the story my way for the reason said above.

I finally got the push I needed to make it happen thanks to a good friend and a fellow writer.

I will begin working on the story a few days a week and for now it won’t be published. What I have written so far need to be re-written and worked on in general.

Now, what aspect have I wanted to add to the story?

It might not sound like much but considering the fact that there are so many ‘scared’ and hateful people in the world it’s a big step in the right direction for me.

The story will hereby have characters based on what they identify as. It won’t just be male or female.

A better yet possibly worse explanation:

Sex and gender don’t matter. No one is born one or the other. They are all born neutral and once chosen that’s what they will be identified as.  Operation etc is fully optional and not required. There is no judgement.

 

That’s all for now.

 

~ Kes.

Acceptance: Yourself and Others.

Almost another month of silence again. Time seem to be in a liquid state. It drifts away.

Acceptance can be such a difficult thing to do yet so easy. Accepting someone for who they are and what they think or believe in is often easier than accepting aspects of yourself.

Why?

I wish I had the answers but I’m finally learning to not care what others think about me and accept said aspects of myself. Label wise I’ve come to realize I’m pansexual. I love the personality more than anything else. Who people identify as is not what I focus on. Yet, I can’t seem to accept myself body wise. I don’t mind it but I don’t like it. I feel too feminine which makes people seem to think I should act and dress differently. My voice is also not something I like about myself.

 

I really have nothing more to write about at this moment. Every bit of motivation and inspiration is being drowned by this headache of mine that has kept torturing me for these past three weeks.

All I’ve done is work, sleep and eat.
Well, it’s not all I’ve been doing. I have the most adorable fluff that my SO and I become the proud owner off a few weeks ago. Or is it the other way around?

Well, I need to end this post here.

I will try to write something worth reading soon.

~ Kes.

Work Smart & Hard.

“Work smart, not hard” is easy to say but often not easy to do in practice.

How I personally interpret it depends on the job.

Some jobs requires you do work hard. There’s deadlines, there are heavy lifts, there’s physical and psychological challenges. The list can go on forever.

I only have a basic education since I dropped out of college. I chose to study something that I couldn’t connect with. It was too theoretical. The jobs I could get after graduating would mostly mean desk jobs. I lost interest fast because I had no motivation. I chose a high student loan instead of graduation. I don’t regret dropping out but I regret don’t studying something I knew I wanted to study but I gave in to pressure because what I was told and I quote “not something I could make a living out of”.

I wanted to study to become a photographer or a designer. Yes, it’s a though marked and making a living off it where I live is not easy unless you’re good at promoting yourself, have a lot of skills and a great network. I lack all of those.

My job requires me to work under pressure and often means heavy lifting at times. Of course, those heavy lifts are nothing compared to other jobs. My body just struggle to handle the ones that my job requires me to do but I still do my best. If my body is in pain I need to find another technique that will cause no pain or less pain.

When I dropped out of college I decided to prove that you can start at the bottom and work yourself up with only dedication, willpower and a hard work.

I’d like to point out that I don’t want to work myself to a desk job. A higher hourly pay rate, yes, but money is not everything. I want to be able to live without always worrying about having enough for bills and food and extra expenses such as doctor or dentist appointment. I want to live comfortable but I don’t want to earn more money than I need.

I always give my best at work and I try to do the little extra to prove that it wasn’t a mistake to have me as an employer. I told the truth already under the job interview. I have a bad back, I go to physical therapy once a week to be able to stay in work and I’m used to stress and I can handle it most of the time. It’s better to be honest than to keep it a secret even though you might be considered a burden and a risk for ending up on a sick leave. If you’re open about such things and show dedication for the job there should be ways of adapt certain job tasks.

I’ve had my current job for around a year now and I’ve already been given a pay raise because I’m always willing to accept almost every shift I get asked about and because I’m willing to stay at work longer if needed.  I’ve also been told repeatedly that hiring me was a good decision and that I’m a one of the most valuable employees at work by my boss.

Education is not everything but it will often help you get a job faster and earn more.

Without an education getting a job might be harder, the pay might be lower and the hours worse.

Good co-workers, a healthy work environment and a job I like in general makes work easier, time goes faster and staying positive don’t feel forced to make it through the day.

If you want something enough you need to work for it and never give up.

It might take a lot of time and the result might be different from what you expected but you’ll get there one way or another.

Work smart and hard. Stay positive and ask for help if the road becomes unclear.

Don’t work yourself sick.

~ Kester

Seven Days: Nights of Hell

My vacation ended almost two weeks ago and I already need another break. 44 hours of work a week might not sound much but I reached my limit last week. My body can’t handle it.

I also had to invest in a new laptop and I’m still getting used to this keyboard. Once I’ve transferred everything to this one I should be able to focus a little more on writing.

It’s been seven days since I posted something so I thought I’d write seven things that makes me laugh or motivate me and seven things that makes me angry or make me lose my motivation.

What motivates me/makes me happy:

  1. Music: 
    I’ve listened to five songs on repeat for over a week now.
    Before You Go by Nomy, The Sound of Silence by Disturbed, Heaven Nor Hell by Volbeat, I Have a Problem and The Devil’s Bleeding Crown by Volbeat.
    These five songs seem to help my mood and motivation and I never seem to get tired of listening to them (I might get tired eventually).
  2. Warm and Sunny Weather:
    It has been a cold summer so far. There has only been around two weeks where it has been over 90 degrees (32 degrees C) and my body seem to handle warm weather better. Less aches.
  3. Photographing:
    This is something I’ve barely had the energy to do for over a year now but it helps me relax and focused. I prefer taking pictures of the nature itself or animals.
  4. Family:
    This does not mean blood relatives Just talking with people I care about always brings a smile on my face. Family don’t really have to be blood relatives.
  5. Writing:
    Just writing in general without any set topic often help motivate me. It don’t seem to apply to the story I’m working on though. My brain always seem to want new aspects and languages.
  6. My SO:
    My SO always makes me laugh or smile just like my family. The difference, I think, is that I don’t want my SO to see me down. I can still be myself around my SO. I don’t have to pretend to be someone else even though I stay quiet and some things.
  7. Feeling Helpfull:
    Knowing that I’ve been able to help with something or just done something that have made a difference always motivates me to do better.

 

What makes me angry/lose motivation:

  1. Judgemental people:
    People who judge or hate others based on religion, sexuallity, idenity or generally just trying to make others feel bad for sports. It sadness me just as much as it angers me. Who people like, what they believe in or what they identify as shouldn’t matter (it don’t matter). You don’t have to agree but at least respect that others feel and think differently. There is no right or wrong. I wish some people would stop trying to shove their belive on others because they personally think something is wrong.
  2. People who hurt animals:
    I’m not a vegan or a vegitarian but I respect those who are alot. Killing an animal for food is one thing but it’s a completely different thing to kill for fun. The ones who abuse animals should be given two choices. Jail or go through what they did to the animal they abused. It makes me sad to think about.
  3. Liars:
    Most people will tell lies eventually. Whether it is because of fear from telling the truth or because they don’t trust a person. It’s the people who lie in order to make others feel bad on purpose that angers me. A white lie in order to spare someone’s feelings or to be polite can and often will backfire eventually but once asked tell the thruth and explain why you told it or just don’t lie at all. The truth might hurt at times but it is always better than lies. It will hurt for a while but the feeling of being lied to will never fully vanish.
  4. People abusing your trust:
    This just angers me. Don’t abuse someone’s trust. It can affect so many aspects of that person later in life. Trust has to be earned and once it’s broken it can never fully return. The mistake made will always make it difficult for the person to trust someone fully again.
  5. Molesters:
    This one I shouldn’t have to explain why it angers me. Physical or psycologically -don’t matter. It leaves scars.

I can’t really think of anything else that makes me lose motivation or angers me.

I’m a simple person, I suppose.

~Kester

Sleep Deprivation and Work.

My first week at work after my vacation is finally over and my energy levels has hit rock bottom. It’s been a long week.

Being able to sleep as long as I want, do what I want when I want and simply just relax was good for both mind and body but eventually I began feeling restless. It might be because I started worrying about money.

Will it last? Will I be able to pay my mortgage and bills? Will I have enough for food?

These are all questions I ask myself several days a week every month. There’s a difference in surviving and living. I don’t live, I survive.

For me, when you survive is when you is able to pay your bills and just the amount of food you need to survive through the day and month without buying anything else. You work, occasionally eat and you sleep. You avoid the rest because it will cost you energy you can’t risk losing.

Living is when you can pay the bills, have food for several meals a day, work and sleep without really having to worry about the money you have left. You can buy whatever you want, to some extent, without worrying about the fact that it will affect something else. You can go out and be social with the possibility to buy something such as a cup of tea or coffee. You have the energy for it or just want to treat yourself with something as simple as that.

Now, of course, it’s also possible that the situation is a middle thing. It’s never only two options. Extra expenses such as a dentist appointment, doctor appointment etc is an expense that can be a set back for everyone but if you only survive from paycheck to paycheck an expense like that is nearly or fully impossible to afford.

A job is a way for us to have a roof over our heads, food we can eat and a way to pay bills, rent or mortgage.

I might still be relatively young but I still want to give an advice I wish I was told more often and decided to follow.

Never get a job out of pure desperation unless it’s only meant as something temporarily until you find something else better.
You can enjoy working with your co-workers and even consider them family but in the end its your health and happiness it will affect if the pay is low and the work hours rough.
A family don’t want you to be miserable but pursue what makes you happy.
Never take that for granted.
Don’t stay in a job just because it secure you money. Leave when you find something that will make you happy or before your job makes you feel worthless or just generally sad, depressed or anxious.

Don’t get me wrong, you can have relatively low paid job but it also depends on how many shifts you work. Let’s say you earn $2 less per hour but still get more secured shift a week compared to another job. It is, of course, a lot of money per week or even year but in my eyes it feels safer to choose that job. Just make sure you the money you earn per hour isn’t lower than it should be. Check what the minimum wage is and make sure you don’t get paid lower than the wage itself.

I hope you all have had a wonderful weekend and that next week will become even better.

Stay awesome!

~Kester