After writing the last blog post, Afraid to Face the Truth, I had to take some days to recollect my thoughts, try to see things differently and basically just look for some positive things in certain aspects I usually feel give me no future gains.
The conclusion is that I’m holding myself back because I’m afraid of failure.
The truth is that I will spend my entire life figuring out who I am. I will learn new things about myself every day and worrying about learning something I did not expect to realize is not a bad thing. It’s just a part of being lucky enough to have the privilege of living on this planet.
I’ve avoided further education because the ‘dream job’ I’ve always wanted was something I believed was out of grasp. I didn’t even bother to do any research such as checking options and honestly just looking what sort of education it required and how many years it would it would take me to be fully educated.
Now, in less than a week I’ll be seeing a career counselor to check my options for starting the education this year, how much it would cost me. Everything related to the education I want.
I will still have to work 4-6 days a week which is something I fear will affect my motivation for studying. I know from experience that I eventually end up focusing on earning money instead of bothering about studies.
I have no options for obtaining a student loan or scholarship. I need to pay for everything myself and I’m prepared to do that. My worry is that I won’t get enough money to do that for at least another one to two years.
I want and need this time to be different. I’m three to four years away from getting an education in a field I’ve wanted for years. Maybe even my own company within that field but that’s an option I will keep on the shelf for now.
I can even use said education and future knowledge in said field and add it to the story I’m working on which I’ve avoided because of several factors which I will explain later if it’s something you as a reader would like to know. It’s honestly rather boring.
For now I will just take each day as it comes and make the best out of it.
I will have my ups and downs, days where I just want to give up and days where I feel I can reach the skies and thoughts I don’t want to deal with and bury instead.
I want to finish this education. I want the job it would give me.
I’ve thought long about it and without really realizing it before last doc/physiologist appointment I had a little under a month ago.
I’ve always wanted to have a job where I could help people or animals. Veterinarian is something I thought I wanted. A doctor and even a psychologist.
I don’t want a job where I’d have to sit in a office x-amount of hours a day and only do paperwork. It’s not my style. I need something practical. Something that makes me feel useful.
Making new limbs to people who lost one or was born without it is what I want.
My dream job is to become a orthopedics technician and to be known in that field.
I want such to be affordable for everyone in need for it without having the quality lowered. But for now I need to focus on taking one step at a time.
I don’t want to aim too high. The fall would not only break my spirit but my will to ever take another step in that direction again.