Gender Identity

gender-identity

© Kester Muiredac.
Can be used but not sold for profit.
Feel free to link me to where it’s used. I’d be honored.

Still not finished but my brain malfunctioned.
You don’t have to agree but please respect. We’re all individuals. We’re more than just body parts. Doesn’t our personality matter more?

A person doesn’t automatically change just because they finally have the courage to tell people what they like or who they are.
Maybe they have changed because they don’t need to hide anymore?
Maybe they finally are happy.

 

Social Anxiety

anxiety

©Kester Muriedac.
This picture can be used but not be sold for profit.
Please share the link to where this picture has been used. I’d truly appreciate it.

I’m no doctor or therapist. I don’t have a degree or education in general when it comes to psychology.
I’ve been lucky enough to be able to control my anxiety in some situation. Yes, lucky. My anxiety is something I can ignore while I’m at work. I need to. There’s so many that is unable to do that. Not because they don’t want to because they do.
In the beginning when the anxiety controlled me I wouldn’t eat for a day or two because even though I was hungry the thought of going to a grocery store terrified me.
The thought of seeing and meeting people. The thought of talking.
At times it was enough that I heard people talking outside and it felt like my heart were about to beat out of my chest and my body to start trembling out of fear.
I didn’t seek help.
I didn’t ask for help.
I kept it a secret for as long as possible.
Even at work there are certain situation where the anxiety kicks in and try to take control.
How do I control it?
It took me a while to do but by planning simple aspects of the day beforehand.
If I know when I have work I can prepare myself mentally.
“Tomorrow I work said shift. I need to wake up at said time, take a shower and then relax an hour or two before my shift starts”.
I plan everything a day before. Do I need to go to the grocery before work? Do I need to go outside for any reason before work?
If there’s unplanned events where I need to talk I often find myself trembling, not getting enough oxygen, my mouth feels dry like sandpaper. In such situation I make sure I have water or coffee nearby that I can drink. If someone notice that my hands or entire body is trembling I lie and say that I feel cold. If I’m sweating I say that it’s just because the temperature inside or outside is high. What if both happens? Well, then I usually say that I think I’m about to get sick. Lie and say that I haven’t felt well for a day or two.
I always make sure to have an excuse, or lie if you want, prepared for various situations.

Don’t suffer alone. Don’t hide.
Don’t let the stigma of mental illness stand in your way of happiness.
Telling or being told to ‘cheer up’ or ‘get themselves together’.. Yeah, it doesn’t work like that. You don’t tell someone with asthma to take a deep breath. It’s not a light switch. It don’t work like that. Smiling and acting happy doesn’t automatically make the person happy.
I can’t speak for everyone but if I get told to cheer up I feel worse. I feel worthless. I wish smiling cured it all but it don’t. Not for me at least.

And for that it is worth, I believe in you.
I care.

~Kes

No Energy, Just a Weak Body

For these past couple of months my energy seem to have gotten lower at lower.
My mood has gone downhill and my interest in things I enjoy has seemed to diminish as well.

This week alone I’ve either barely slept or slept 15+ hours a day which does not include all the power naps throughout the day.
My appetite seem to have gone downhill as well. I eat because I know I need food to survive.

I’m fighting through it at least. I’m not fully ignoring the issue even though I’d prefer to do just that. Ignoring it won’t solve anything. It will only make it worse.

I’m glad I have an SO that allows me to deal with issues on my own terms, that don’t try to solve everything the very second and won’t push me to give an honest answer before I’m ready to admit that things aren’t going that well. I’m glad to have a fluffy pet that makes me smile by doing random things throughout the day.

 

Updates about the Story.

Another update again, really?
What is it now, you might ask.

For now I’ve deleted the blog for the story.
I’ve chosen to do this for two reasons.

  1.  I felt that this blog and the one for the story were too connected.
  2. I’ve decided to go under another name, closer to my real name story wise.

This way there will be no obvious connection between these two and in case my paranoia turns into reality this blog will still be safe.

The name of it will still be the same. Just under another account that’s separated from this.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year to all of you lovely people and I hope this year will give you more joy, happiness and laughs than the last year.

I’m not really into the whole idea about New Years resolutions and for that reason I never had one expect that one I had to write while I was still in school. My New Year resolution that year was to never write one or just generally mention one ever again.

I have no doubt that this year will be more or less identical to last year.
I’ll still get one year older.
I still need to go to work x-amount of days a week, every week.
My body will still work against me..
I will still wish that I wouldn’t need to hide my identity, who I am and how I feel.
I will without a doubt still feel fatigued 24/7.

I will still do my best to make people laugh and smile.
I will still do everything in my power to somehow make this year better, even just for a second, for people I know and people don’t know.
I will still be working on the story and try to get one or two days a week scheduled for blogging.
I will still feel like a joke around close minded people.
And maybe, just maybe, I finally will be heard and believed by the doctors and specialist when I say that my body is causing me pain, I do feel fatigued, it does cause me sleepless night and it does cause a toll on my body when I’m forced to have a highly physical and stressful job to be able to pay my bills, mortgage, food and other expenses such as doctor appointments.

The changes that I know will happen this year without a New Years resolution is that I will quit my nicotine habit, cut down on my caffeine habit and the apartment will continue to be renovated.

To you who read this blog regardless of whether or not it will be just this one time or as a follower. Thank you.
I do check your blog and I will continue to check the blogs of every new follower and every person who click that like button.
I also need to get better on following your blogs. There are some blogs I won’t follow and it’s not because I don’t like said blog. Some are focusing purely on makeup products (SFX not included) and such. These I won’t follow for one reason only,I don’t wear makeup. If you blog about food, DIY’s, things meant to motivate and inspire, daily struggles, identity etc I will almost guaranteed follow your blog. I just need kick my lazy butt into gear and start hitting that Follow button.

~Kes.

 

A Shadow on Earth

I’m a shadow.
I once spent months gaining my visibility.
Only to forget it all.
I spent years learning long forgotten skills.
I used years to regain my mind and soul.
Where I’m from and where I belong.
I used to think, I used to believe.
I’m breathing and thinking.
There must be a purpose.
I exist.

The shadows are everywhere.
Some don’t believe.
Some unable to see.

I was a shadow.
I found a broken shape.
The one I walk in now.
How long will I stay?
My shape caused confusion.
It made me lose my peace.
It made me feel broken.
When will I heal?
I’ve walked long, I walked far.

I first couldn’t see.
I chose to not believe.
A shadow in the sight.

The broken shape.
I hold no grudge.
Though, it’s quite the toll.
It takes time to adjust.
A shape and its eyes.
Even a different mind.
It will forever be broken.
The strings stay unattached.

The shape is one of many.
I can finally see and believe.
A shadow in the light.

I’ve learned to accept.
The shape and its fears.
The curtain is slowly fading.
It’s my job to attach its peace.
It needs to feel free.
A cage will only make it worse.
Cooperation is the key.

A shadow without a shape.
It’s a terrifying endless night.
No sun, no light.

My shape won’t last forever.
It accepted early.
A shape is not meant to last.
It doesn’t work like that.
A shape is made for knowledge.
Hope and dreams.

A shadow can live forever.
But not without a shape.
The darkness corrupts.

My time will come.
Time flies by.
It’s time to rewind the time.
I’m a shadow in a shape.
Forever in a loop.

Restart or rewind.
It’s the shape that decides.
It’s never too broken.
It just needs the light

I fear no more.
I am at peace.
I won’t be remembered and that’s fine by me.

I will walk endlessly.
From one shape to another.
Just with new eyes.
I’m a shadow that walk this Earth.

DIY: Christmas Gifts

I decided to create this blog post to share ideas for homemade gifts.  I won’t give any recipes or such since I honestly find most of them by googling it myself. What I can do is to share a couple of links but it won’t be the exact same as the ones I’ve personally made since I find it easier to use recipes on my own language simply because I don’t have to convert the ingredients to something I’ll understand without checking five times or more. I already double-check.

  • Red Currant Jelly: This is not the one I used but it had some useful reviews. What I can recommend is to find a recipe you feel comfortable with trying if you haven’t made it before. I will recommend to start a week or two before Christmas.
  • Candles: It’s easy to make but takes some time but it’s often cheaper if you want to give it to several people. I will again recommend to start a couple of weeks before Christmas. You can even make it months in advance.
  • Soap: I found soap to be easy to make and don’t requires you to make it weeks in advance unless you want to get done weeks before Christmas to allow you to stress less. I personally bought soap flakes to make it easier. It allowed me to choose the soap I wanted without having to make it from scratch.
  • Candy: I honestly just bought a candy making kit since I found one that reminded me of Christmas if that’s even possible. It can be caramel, roasted almonds. The list goes on.
  • Christmas Ideas: Here’s a website that gave me ideas.

Soap, candy, candles, roasted almonds, caramel and jelly is the only ones I can remember having tried to make myself.

I hope it has been of some help idea wise if you ever want to try to make homemade gifts. It’s not the longest list. Not all that detailed and basically only have links with recipes that I haven’t tried myself. I basically tried and failed myself until I found a recipe that I personally liked. The failed ones was mostly the caramel and roasted almonds. They tasted horrible the first time I tried to make it. That’s why I started almost two months before Christmas. This way I still could run to the grocery store or any other store for that matter if I messed it up.

~Kes

Delusional Wonderland: Rabbit Hole

img_3653

© Kester Muiredac

Walking. Observing. Falling. Diving.

I’m drowning but I’m lucky.

I live in a country where people are learning to become more open-minded.

A country where things don’t go backwards. A place where people accept.

There’s glares and people talking behind each others back but it’s still improvement.

I’m not sure how I was raised, I can honestly not remember, but what I do know is that  I never understood what skin color, what a religion or no religion, who one likes or how one want to be seen was of any importance. There probably was times when someone tried to push their belief and view on me but I could never understand what or why I should think that it would change a person. It’s still the same person. That’s probably why I went through so much anger. Why does any of those things matters?

It matters. Don’t get me wrong.

I just saw the person for who that person was. Their personality and soul.

Other than being open about the fact that I liked who I like based on personality and nothing else.

How can I tell someone I care about that I don’t feel comfortable in my own body when all I hear is them making fun of all of it.

It shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.

How you feel and how you identify yourself shouldn’t matter. Why? Because you’re still the same. Why can’t people accept you for who you are?

That’s a lie. Being allowed to be yourself without fear is way better.

 

When did being yourself become a danger? When did the human race decide that a skin color, a religion, ones personal identity and who one likes is wrong?

Wrong according to who?

A book? A fairytale? A myth?

It’s not from someone who cares. That’s for sure.

If every individual at least respected each other I want to believe this world would be quite different.

Less hate. Less death. Maybe even fewer wars.

You can respect without agreeing. You don’t have to shove your view down

people’s throat and especially if you’re unable to see it from a different perspective.

I’m drowning.

I might not live in the US and I surely won’t even consider visiting the US for many years.

I’m honestly terrified. I don’t care a bit about politics. What I care about and what I worry about is what the politicians say and how they word themselves.

It can cause so much damage.

There are so many lives that’s in the danger zone now. So much hate. So much violence. So many things that just aren’t acceptable. It will never be acceptable to look down on other human beings. At least not in my eyes.

I don’t care what you believe in. I don’t care who you like. I don’t care how you identify yourself. I don’t care about the color of your skin.

I care about YOU. All of you. Every single one of you.

Smile, laugh, cry.
Just feel safe and comfortable.
I will never judge.
Just never hide.

I’m drowning.
I took a fall and now I can’t get up.
I’m scared and sad.
I’m angry yet numb.
I laugh and smile but it’s all a facade.
I wish I fought harder.
I’m drowning in my own lies.
I can’t hide forever.
Will I have anyone by my side when I remove this mask?

Would my life have turned out differently?
Would I  feel free?
Would I still be where I am today without the mask?
Would it have allowed me to be who I am?
Would I be who I feel under all these mask?

Less shy. Less anxious.
More confident with a voice.

I have no voice. I talk but I need to force the words out of my mouth.
I have to repeat myself because I talk so low.
I might act differently but if people knew how much it drains me.
How much it kills me.
I might act like it’s not.
I might act like nothing’s wrong.

I don’t want to drown.
I’m just a ghost.

~Kes.

I’ll Carry it All: The Weight and Pain.

The world is crumbling all around me.
The light is slowly being swallowed.
The hope and joy is just facade.
A way to cope.

Run. Hide. Disappear.
I need to get away.
I need a fresh start.

It’s hard to breathe.
It’s hard to eat.
Sleep is a nightmare.
All to maintain the mask.

Run.Hide. Disappear.
I need to get away.

I want to smile for real.
I want to see a future.
I want to live like myself.
Only because I chose to hide.

Run.Hide. Disappear.

A mirror with a face.
I can’t recognize the eyes.
A constructed self.
It’s just a shadow.

Run.Hide.

I want to be free.
I don’t want to hide.
I don’t know who I am.
I can’t be myself.

Run.

If I can’t be myself.
I can’t belong.
There is no acceptance.
I’m just a shadow of my former self.