My Future, Fear and Motivation.

After writing the last blog post, Afraid to Face the Truth, I had to take some days to recollect my thoughts, try to see things differently and basically just look for some positive things in certain aspects I usually feel give me no future gains.

The conclusion is that I’m holding myself back because I’m afraid of failure.

The truth is that I will spend my entire life figuring out who I am. I will learn new things about myself every day and worrying about learning something I did not expect to realize is not a bad thing. It’s just a part of being lucky enough to have the privilege of living on this planet.

I’ve avoided further education because the ‘dream job’ I’ve always wanted was something I believed was out of grasp. I didn’t even bother to do any research such as checking options and honestly just looking what sort of education it required and how many years it would it would take me to be fully educated.

Now, in less than a week I’ll be seeing a career counselor to check my options for starting the education this year, how much it would cost me. Everything related to the education I want.

I will still have to work 4-6 days a week which is something I fear will affect my motivation for studying. I know from experience that I eventually end up focusing on earning money instead of bothering about studies.
I have no options for obtaining a student loan or scholarship. I need to pay for everything myself and I’m prepared to do that. My worry is that I won’t get enough money to do that for at least another one to two years.
I want and need this time to be different. I’m three to four years away from getting an education in a field I’ve wanted for years. Maybe even my own company within that field but that’s an option I will keep on the shelf for now.
I can even use said education and future knowledge in said field and add it to the story I’m working on which I’ve avoided because of several factors which I will explain later if it’s something you as a reader would like to know. It’s honestly rather boring.

For now I will just take each day as it comes and make the best out of it.

I will have my ups and downs, days where I just want to give up and days where I feel I can reach the skies and thoughts I don’t want to deal with and bury instead.

I want to finish this education. I want the job it would give me.
I’ve thought long about it and without really realizing it before last doc/physiologist appointment I had a little under a month ago.

I’ve always wanted to have a job where I could help people or animals. Veterinarian is something I thought I wanted. A doctor and even a psychologist.

I don’t want a job where I’d have to sit in a office x-amount of hours a day and only do paperwork. It’s not my style. I need something practical. Something that makes me feel useful.

Making new limbs to people who lost one or was born without it is what I want.
My dream job is to become a orthopedics technician and to be known in that field.
I want such to be affordable for everyone in need for it without having the quality lowered. But for now I need to focus on taking one step at a time.

I don’t want to aim too high. The fall would not only break my spirit but my will to ever take another step in that direction again.

 

Afraid to Face the Truth

I’m running. I’m hiding.

The bad habits of mine is nothing but a distraction. A poisonous one.

I’m suffocating myself by avoiding the truth.

I smile and laugh.

I joke and act like nothing.

I can’t make myself speak the words.

.. But maybe I can write them.

I’m happy yet unhappy.

I fear a relapse worse than a few bad habits.

I have achieved nothing in my life.

All my dreams. The few I still have.

The rest is nightmares.

Who am I?

I’m not speaking of the meaning of life or my purpose in this, in my life.

I just want to feel useful. To feel like I’ve done some good to this world.

No matter how small it is.

To make someone smile, laugh or feel some joy even if it’s just for a couple of minutes.

Who am I?

Well, here’s what I know.

I’m a Scandinavian. I’m genderqueer. I adore sci-fi and fantasy as a genre. I want to make prostheses which works just as good or better than ‘normal’ limbs. I want the technology to be at that exact point where we can connect robotic limbs to a person.

I’m happy yet unhappy.

I’m avoiding issues, I shut down under pressure or if I feel overwhelmed by pressure or just stress in general.

I want to cry. I want to scream.

I have no voice of my own because I don’t know how to use it.  I’m afraid to use it because I dislike my own voice.

I dislike my body. I dislike most aspects of myself.

But in the end it doesn’t matter.

I can always improve.

I’m just lost in the rabbit hole. My own personal hell.

I’d carry the pain of the world if I could.

For just some happiness in return.

I’ve run out of words.

I’m sorry.

~Kes.

Gender Identity: Personal View

You guessed it, another blog post about this.

Now, I want to give you as a reader a hopefully more clear image of my ‘situation’. A way to see things from my personal perspective because no matter how much I try to see it from two sides there’s always a third side that I never can view it from in this case.

This name which I’m considering changing a little. Instead of KesterMuiredac (the current one) and I’m considering KestersSomething or SomethingKester. If you have a name you think would fit I’m more than open to ideas.
I’ve mentioned it before but this name is a pseudonym but at the same time it’s not. Kester is a name I’ve wanted to use as my legal name, my real name, for a long time.
It’s not that much different from my legal name but it’s different enough for blood relatives, friends and generally people who have known me for years.

I’ve come out in one aspect. I like a person first and foremost based on personality.
For me it’s not what in a persons pants or identity in general. The first thing I notice is a persons eyes, smile and personality. While I came out as bisexual I also discovered that sex and gender just didn’t matter.

Why do I want to legally change my name? Do I want to transition? (What) do I want to change anything? Is there parts of me that I want to change? Do anyone of my blood relatives, friends or my SO know? How does it affect me?

Feel free to ask any question you might be curious about. I will answer everything except revealing my real name or where I live.

I want to change my legal name because even though I’m used to being called by it and I respond when someone call me it without any correction it makes me cringe. It makes me feel like crap and it feels like a punch in the stomach.
No, I don’t feel the need to transition (ftm) but I would like to find a way to look more neutral, more androgynous, without surgery. I feel like it would make me happier and make me feel more like me.
Yes, there are things about my body I’d like to change:

  • Breasts: I’d like smaller. I don’t feel uncomfortable having breasts but at the same time I don’t want them to be visible.
  • Being sterilized: I have nothing against kids but I can’t see myself being a parent for various reasons. Some of it because I fear that it might inherit my genes and end up with scoliosis, bad sight and the list goes on and the rest is because I personally never really wanted a kid of my own. I might think of it but just a few seconds later I ask myself why I’d want one.
  • Nose: I’ve never liked my nose. I guess ‘potato’ nose is what I could call it. It’s not too much of an issue but I’ve always wanted to get rid of that part.
  •  Lips: I want my bottom lip to be smaller. I’m not even sure if it’s possible so if you have any information or done it yourself I’d appreciate any feedback.  I don’t feel like I have big lips and I honestly like the fact that I don’t. The issue is my lower lip. Its ‘lines’ are bigger than my upper lip and I truly dislike it. My lips have always been like that but it have been bothering me more and more over the years.

No, as much as it saddens me there is no one in my circle of blood relatives, friends, even my SO, that knows how I feel about my body or my gender identity. While I know some would be very open-minded and supportive I know that others would almost laugh when or if I told. If I said that wanted to transition I’m quite certain that I’d receive more understanding and support compared to telling them how I feel because it can sound confusing. It makes me feel like a joke. Like what I feel don’t matter.

While I don’t mind having a biological female body I would like those traits less visible like I mentioned earlier in this blog post. I also prefer being called by male pronouns over female pronouns. I’d like more muscles on my body because I feel like even that would be a step to looking more neutral.

This is all for now.

Thank you for reading.

~Kes

 

Pride and Shame: The Journey

As a somewhat anonymous person writing things for the entire world to read I’m not like this out in the real world. This persona is a reflection of who I wish I was and who I want to become. This is who I am even though this is the only place I can be myself. Hidden.

As a kid while I still was rather easy to manipulate and project opinions and views I still was quiet and shy. I can’t remember how my personality was. I do vaguely remember that I didn’t mind socializing. Being around people, visiting friends. It took me a while to get rid of the worst shyness but once that was done I could talk and run around like nothing.
As a kid I was raised in the stereotypical ‘girls play with dolls and like pink’ and ‘boys play with cars and like every color that exist’.
While I don’t have many memories except from the ones I’ve been told in later years. I guess I had a phase where I only wanted pink things which might be the reason I don’t like that color much anymore.The thought of that still makes me cringe.  I had a pink bedroom.
What I do remember clearly is how much I enjoyed being able to play with cars, TMNT, Sonic the Hedgehog and video games in general.
This alone doesn’t mean much but it made me feel like an outcast. I never got along well with girls in general. I still felt more comfortable around males. It made me feel like I could be anything.
Being raised in someones image can cause issues. It made me feel uncomfortable in my own body. I’m a female at birth. Dress, high heels, makeup, big breasts and a slim body. That is the image I feel I have been raised to believe was normal. How I was supposed to act like.

I felt even more uncomfortable in later years. Like I didn’t belong and that there was something wrong with me. How I was raised still had a grip around me. Holding me back and still making me feel like an outcast.
I had my first silly crush, a female teacher. I had my first kiss, another female. I
I never thought much about it until a few years later.
I’ve always had an issue with the male anatomy. I thought it looked unnatural and still think that. At least the lower part. I’m not sure why I’ve always thought that. I don’t mind it but there’s something about it that I can’t explain.
I was also given the impression that showing emotions, which is retrospect contradict almost everything I was raised to believe, is a sign of weakness. Being told to go to another room for just that cause did not help and eventually I was seen as heartless in certain situations. All I did and still do is to remain neutral regardless of how every part of me feels like tearing apart.

These lies needs to end. This fake smile, the constant optimist and the never-ending excuses. There’s a limit to everything.

I think I have hit mine. I can no longer maintain the cracks and missing pieces I have caused upon myself. I’m breaking apart faster than I can repair the pieces.

I’ve cut or is in the process of cutting out every thing I’ve felt I needed on a daily basis. Nicotine and caffeine. I’ve learned that it isn’t the effect itself I’ve needed. Another thing I’m considering is parts of myself. Not sure how I’ll remove those part without it being to obvious. How do I erase what most people consider my entire personality?

How am I doing?
I’m not doing well. I feel stuck. I feel sad. I’m in pain. A physical pain I haven’t felt in years. Maybe the caffeine and nicotine has kept the worst of it hidden by giving me more energy on a daily basis.
When I’m not at work I sleep. I sleep a lot. I don’t feel hungry most of the time.
I haven’t dared to think of how I am doing mentally. I’d rather avoid it for now.

I’m stubborn, I’ll get through this.
I always do.

No more labels. I’m just me. I am who I am and like who I like.

 

Gender Identity

gender-identity

© Kester Muiredac.
Can be used but not sold for profit.
Feel free to link me to where it’s used. I’d be honored.

Still not finished but my brain malfunctioned.
You don’t have to agree but please respect. We’re all individuals. We’re more than just body parts. Doesn’t our personality matter more?

A person doesn’t automatically change just because they finally have the courage to tell people what they like or who they are.
Maybe they have changed because they don’t need to hide anymore?
Maybe they finally are happy.

 

Social Anxiety

anxiety

©Kester Muriedac.
This picture can be used but not be sold for profit.
Please share the link to where this picture has been used. I’d truly appreciate it.

I’m no doctor or therapist. I don’t have a degree or education in general when it comes to psychology.
I’ve been lucky enough to be able to control my anxiety in some situation. Yes, lucky. My anxiety is something I can ignore while I’m at work. I need to. There’s so many that is unable to do that. Not because they don’t want to because they do.
In the beginning when the anxiety controlled me I wouldn’t eat for a day or two because even though I was hungry the thought of going to a grocery store terrified me.
The thought of seeing and meeting people. The thought of talking.
At times it was enough that I heard people talking outside and it felt like my heart were about to beat out of my chest and my body to start trembling out of fear.
I didn’t seek help.
I didn’t ask for help.
I kept it a secret for as long as possible.
Even at work there are certain situation where the anxiety kicks in and try to take control.
How do I control it?
It took me a while to do but by planning simple aspects of the day beforehand.
If I know when I have work I can prepare myself mentally.
“Tomorrow I work said shift. I need to wake up at said time, take a shower and then relax an hour or two before my shift starts”.
I plan everything a day before. Do I need to go to the grocery before work? Do I need to go outside for any reason before work?
If there’s unplanned events where I need to talk I often find myself trembling, not getting enough oxygen, my mouth feels dry like sandpaper. In such situation I make sure I have water or coffee nearby that I can drink. If someone notice that my hands or entire body is trembling I lie and say that I feel cold. If I’m sweating I say that it’s just because the temperature inside or outside is high. What if both happens? Well, then I usually say that I think I’m about to get sick. Lie and say that I haven’t felt well for a day or two.
I always make sure to have an excuse, or lie if you want, prepared for various situations.

Don’t suffer alone. Don’t hide.
Don’t let the stigma of mental illness stand in your way of happiness.
Telling or being told to ‘cheer up’ or ‘get themselves together’.. Yeah, it doesn’t work like that. You don’t tell someone with asthma to take a deep breath. It’s not a light switch. It don’t work like that. Smiling and acting happy doesn’t automatically make the person happy.
I can’t speak for everyone but if I get told to cheer up I feel worse. I feel worthless. I wish smiling cured it all but it don’t. Not for me at least.

And for that it is worth, I believe in you.
I care.

~Kes

No Energy, Just a Weak Body

For these past couple of months my energy seem to have gotten lower at lower.
My mood has gone downhill and my interest in things I enjoy has seemed to diminish as well.

This week alone I’ve either barely slept or slept 15+ hours a day which does not include all the power naps throughout the day.
My appetite seem to have gone downhill as well. I eat because I know I need food to survive.

I’m fighting through it at least. I’m not fully ignoring the issue even though I’d prefer to do just that. Ignoring it won’t solve anything. It will only make it worse.

I’m glad I have an SO that allows me to deal with issues on my own terms, that don’t try to solve everything the very second and won’t push me to give an honest answer before I’m ready to admit that things aren’t going that well. I’m glad to have a fluffy pet that makes me smile by doing random things throughout the day.

 

Updates about the Story.

Another update again, really?
What is it now, you might ask.

For now I’ve deleted the blog for the story.
I’ve chosen to do this for two reasons.

  1.  I felt that this blog and the one for the story were too connected.
  2. I’ve decided to go under another name, closer to my real name story wise.

This way there will be no obvious connection between these two and in case my paranoia turns into reality this blog will still be safe.

The name of it will still be the same. Just under another account that’s separated from this.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year to all of you lovely people and I hope this year will give you more joy, happiness and laughs than the last year.

I’m not really into the whole idea about New Years resolutions and for that reason I never had one expect that one I had to write while I was still in school. My New Year resolution that year was to never write one or just generally mention one ever again.

I have no doubt that this year will be more or less identical to last year.
I’ll still get one year older.
I still need to go to work x-amount of days a week, every week.
My body will still work against me..
I will still wish that I wouldn’t need to hide my identity, who I am and how I feel.
I will without a doubt still feel fatigued 24/7.

I will still do my best to make people laugh and smile.
I will still do everything in my power to somehow make this year better, even just for a second, for people I know and people don’t know.
I will still be working on the story and try to get one or two days a week scheduled for blogging.
I will still feel like a joke around close minded people.
And maybe, just maybe, I finally will be heard and believed by the doctors and specialist when I say that my body is causing me pain, I do feel fatigued, it does cause me sleepless night and it does cause a toll on my body when I’m forced to have a highly physical and stressful job to be able to pay my bills, mortgage, food and other expenses such as doctor appointments.

The changes that I know will happen this year without a New Years resolution is that I will quit my nicotine habit, cut down on my caffeine habit and the apartment will continue to be renovated.

To you who read this blog regardless of whether or not it will be just this one time or as a follower. Thank you.
I do check your blog and I will continue to check the blogs of every new follower and every person who click that like button.
I also need to get better on following your blogs. There are some blogs I won’t follow and it’s not because I don’t like said blog. Some are focusing purely on makeup products (SFX not included) and such. These I won’t follow for one reason only,I don’t wear makeup. If you blog about food, DIY’s, things meant to motivate and inspire, daily struggles, identity etc I will almost guaranteed follow your blog. I just need kick my lazy butt into gear and start hitting that Follow button.

~Kes.